London Rain
by Hibbs
Summary: Abby fic based roughly around season 10.
1. Never Saw Blue Like That

London Rain  
  
This is set in season 10 about seven months after Carter left the second time around. It will contain spoilers past 10:9 though they may not be totally accurate. This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic, well any sort of writing really, so reviews would be gratefully appreciated.  
  
I don't own anything. Any medical terminology will most probably be incorrect. This is written from Abby's point of view. Abby is eight months pregnant with Carter's baby who is still in Africa, Susan is with Chuck and I think that's all you need to know so I'll shut up.Kathryn  
  
Chapter 1 - Never Saw Blue Like That  
  
It's a gorgeous day, icy cold, but the sun is shining and the sky's free of clouds and is a brilliant blue. It's February, there is still snow on the ground from the previous weeks' blizzard. Susan and I are headed towards the shops on one of the rare days that we both have off.  
  
"So where abouts are we going?" I ask as we're driving through Chicago.  
  
"Wait and see, you're so impatient do you know that?" she had a glint in her eye, you can always tell when Susan is up to something from her eyes.  
  
"Fine, but you do know I hate surprises right?"  
  
"You'll like this one I promise!" she turns towards me laughing.   
  
I don't know why I agreed to this. It was her idea, she said I wasn't prepared enough for the baby, but my apartment is already overflowing with stuff for it, I don't need any more. Yet I still agreed to come shopping with her.  
  
"So anyway, you and Chuck?"   
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Come on Suz what's going on with you two?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
I flash her a look, she's not getting out of it that easy.  
  
"Fine, but promise you won't tell anyone else, I know what you nurses are like!"  
  
"I promise! Anyway I'm a med student."  
  
"And a nurse. Well the other night when we..."  
  
"Susan!"  
  
A car comes out of nowhere, smashing into the side of Susan's car pushing it across the road and into the oncoming traffic. The crash involves three other cars. A Police car that was in pursuit of the first vehicle comes round the corner and skids to a halt and surveys the mess.  
  
A/N I know it's only short, I just want to know what you think before I embarrass myself further. 


	2. This Can't Be Happening

Thank you for all your reviews. Again I don't own anything.  
  
Chapter 2 - This Can't Be Happening  
  
My head is pounding, I can hear sirens, they sound pretty close, what happened? I open my eyes, I can't see anything but smoke and smashed glass. Susan!  
  
"Susan?" I looked round at my friend "Susan? Can you hear me? Susan!"   
  
She isn't moving, I can feel the panic building up. Breath, Abby, breath. I undo my seat belt and reach across, she's got a pulse and she's breathing that's good. I need to get out, get help. I try the door, it won't budge, now what?   
  
I sit back. I need to calm down get my head together, that's when I notice the blood. I put my hand up to my head and then look at it, crimson red. I check out the rest of my body, arms and hands fine, legs and feet also fine. Looks like I'm all right, better than Susan is anyhow. Or not, as I feel the pain increase around my stomach. This can't be happening, it's too early not now please not now. It'll be fine it's just a reaction to the crash it doesn't mean anything this isn't going to happen.  
  
I'm distracted from my thoughts by a knock on the window. Thank God, someone to get us out of here.  
  
"Hi, I'm a paramedic are you OK?"  
  
"Yeah, my friend is unconscious, she's breathing though. I think I might be going into labour!"  
  
"How many weeks are you?"  
  
"Thirty one."  
  
"Right, We need to wait for the fire department to get here before we can think about getting you out, OK?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
I try to follow him with my eyes as he moves around the car, testing the other doors. The one behind me opens and he climbs in.  
  
"What's your name?"  
  
"Abby and this is Susan."  
  
"Hi Abby I'm Mike." He leant over into the front to look at Susan's injuries.  
  
"She had a strong pulse a couple of minutes ago and was breathing normally."  
  
"You trying to do my job?"  
  
"I'm a nurse, she's a doctor, we work at County."  
  
"Are you going to be all right while I go and see if we're OK to start getting you out of here."  
  
"I think I'll manage." I try to smile at him as he walks away.   
  
I look towards Susan, she's still unconscious. I reach out and check her pulse again, still strong. "Come on Suz don't do this to me wake up, we'll be outa here soon."  
  
Shit! The contractions started again. I grit my teeth and try to think of something else.  
  
"Right Abby, the firemen are going to cut you out of there." I nod in reply.  
  
"Are you all right?"   
  
I nod again. "Contraction."  
  
"Right, we'll try to be as quick as possible."  
  
The contraction stops just as the noise of the power saw fills my ears. I close my eyes just wanting to be out. I open them as the noise ends, Mike is back in the car with us and is checking out Susan's injuries.  
  
"Is she going to be all right?"  
  
"We need to get her out to see the full extent of her injuries, but she's doing OK at the moment. What about you?"  
  
"I'm fine, I just want to get out of here. Do you know what happened?"  
  
"A car pulled out straight into your side of the car and pushed it across the road where another vehicle hit Susan's side. A couple more cars were involved as well."  
  
"Is anyone else hurt?"  
  
"Don't worry about that everything's under control, just concentrate on how you are."  
  
At that moment the door beside me was pulled open.  
  
"Looks like you're out of here Abby."  
  
"Will Susan be all right? Will you stay with her?"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere, she'll be fine I promise, now go."  
  
"Thank you Mike."  
  
Another paramedic had come up and with their help I got into an ambulance and was whisked away, leaving my friend behind. 


	3. Daydream Believer

Thank you for the reviews as I haven't done anything like this before it's good to know I'm on the right track.  
  
Again I don't own anything and any medical stuff will probably be incorrect but I'm trying my best! And the titles of the chapters don't really have anything to do with the story, it just depends on what song I'm listening to at that moment!  
  
Chapter 3 - Day Dream Believer  
  
The ride in the ambulance seemed to last forever. I couldn't stop thinking about Susan. Had they got her out yet? Was she going to be all right? What if she wasn't? We hadn't been friends for that long, but over the past couple of years we had got to know each other more and more. I couldn't imagine what I would do without her. She had really supportive when Carter left and with me going through med school.  
  
"Nearly there now." the paramedic broke through my thoughts.  
  
"Where are we going to?"  
  
"County, Mersey's closed to trauma." Great, now I'd have to answer a load of questions at least they're friends I thought as another contraction started, which is when the rig pulled up.  
  
"38 year old female, 31 weeks pregnant, involved in an MVA. Was unconscious for a couple of minutes, wound to the head and other minor cuts. Started going into labour at the scene, having a contraction now."  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"Mmm!" I nod in reply. I seem to be lucky, as it's Kerry and not Pratt wheeling me into the ER.  
  
"How many contractions have you had?"  
  
"Three."  
  
"How far apart?"  
  
"I'm not sure, they're not that close though?" I mentally kick myself. How can I not know, I'm a nurse for godsake!  
  
"How long was she unconscious for?" Kerry asks the paramedic.  
  
"A couple of minutes, not very long, seems alert and knows what is going on."  
  
"Right, do you think you can get onto the gurney?"  
  
"Yeah." I struggle to get up in my pregnant form and ease myself onto the gurney and slid my legs round. The paramedic heads back to the rig leaving Kerry to exam me.  
  
"The cut to your head doesn't look too bad but I'd like you to have a CT just to check it out. I'll need you to change into a gown so we can see how the baby's doing, do you think you can manage?" I nod my head in reply.  
  
"I'll be back in a minute, is there any one you would like me to call?" I shake my head, then remember  
  
"Susan!"  
  
"You want me to call Susan in to be with you?"  
  
"No, she was in the car with me, I left her there, she was unconscious. Will you see if she's out yet?" Why didn't they know anything? She must still be there. I was starting to panic again what if I never saw her again? Chuck! He needs to know.  
  
"Chuck, will you phone him, he'll want to know!" I was nearly hysterical by this point talking faster and faster.  
  
"Abby, calm down, I'll check on Susan and phone Chuck. She'll be fine Abby, there is nothing you can do, change into the gown and I'll be back when in a minute OK?"  
  
I struggle to change into a gown and try and turn my thoughts to happier things. It doesn't work; everything always comes back Susan just sitting there all alone and me not being able to do anything. I should have done something. Only minutes before had I been complaining about going shopping, not wanting to be there. What I wouldn't give to be back there, only having to worry about where on earth she was taking me. Tears were beginning to form in my eyes thinking about her when Kerry came back in.  
  
"I've phoned Chuck, he's on his way down, I haven't been able to get through to the department dealing with the crash but I'll keep trying, right? Are you ready for me to do the ultrasound now."   
  
I nod, not trusting my voice at the moment; no news is good news right? I flinch as the cold sonosite gel goes on my swollen stomach and turn my head to look at the screen. A smile forming on my face as the picture appears and the sound of the baby's heartbeat fills the room.  
  
"Everything looks all right, I just need to do a pelvic exam to make sure."  
  
My thoughts are now filled with the baby. I still can't believe I have something growing inside of me. In fact I can't believe I'm going to be a mother at all! I don't think this is how I would have planned it, single mother, working shifts as a nurse and training to be a doctor all at the same time. I think the only reason I haven't freaked out about it all is because I've had no time to. I start going through names in my head, I still haven't come up with one that sounds right, its going to be a Carter though. I'm thinking about going back to Wyzinski, getting Richard out of my life forever and I couldn't land the baby with that for a name.   
  
"All done." Kerry breaks me out of my reverie.  
  
"Can you stop the contractions?"  
  
"We should be able to stop them, we'll give it a go anyway and hopefully the drugs will work." She strapped the baby monitor to my stomach to monitor the baby's heart rate.  
  
"A nurse will be in shortly to take you for a CT, don't worry it won't harm the baby. I'll go and check what's going on with Susan so just sit back and relax, getting worked up about it won't help the baby." She gives me a reassuring smile and I manage one in return, before she exits leaving me to go back to my thoughts.  
  
A/N The thing about names is a hint, as I can't come up with one that sounds right. At the moment I've got Emma May stuck in my head but that's because it's the name of a boat I walk past everyday. Or Matthew if it's a boy but both of those are rather common so any suggestions would be appreciated 


	4. Everyday is a Winding Road

Thanks for the suggestions on names, I still haven't decided on one yet. This is a rather pointless chapter but as I'm struggling to write the next couple of chapters I thought I'd keep it as it was.  
  
Chapter 4 - Everyday is a Winding Road  
  
"Are you Abigail Lockhart?" A small, nervous looking young nurse steps into the room.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hi, I'm Marianne, I'm going to take you up for your CT, if you could just get into the wheelchair." I slide myself over.  
  
"Does the baby monitor come too?"  
  
"Yes if I can manage it." I feel a bit guilty sitting here while her small frame tries its best to push me and the monitor through the door.  
  
"Do you usually work here?"  
  
No, is it that obvious that it's my first day?" she seems rather embarrassed now.  
  
"No." I fib not wanting to embarrass her further.   
  
"I work in the ER and hadn't seen you around before. You'll be fine once you find your feet." She breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
"I never thought it'd be like this!"  
  
"It looks busy." There are patients everywhere and doctors and nurses are flying around trying to get their jobs done.  
  
"Yeah we got a load of traumas from the MVA plus there was a fire a couple of blocks away. I haven't had a chance to stop. I think that's why I'm taking you up so that I can have a break!" We step into the elevator, leaving all the chaos behind.  
  
"Don't worry it isn't always that bad!"  
  
"I hope not. What do you do?"  
  
"Huh?" I give her a puzzled look not quite sure what she's on about.  
  
"Before, you said you usually work here, as what?"  
  
"I'm a nurse and now I'm a fourth year med student as well."  
  
"I don't know how you manage, but I look forward to working with you."  
  
"Not any time soon though. I think I need to take some time off before the baby is born. I think I've been overdoing it a bit."  
  
"Here we are." She says as the door opens and she pushes me into the elevator.  
  
Once the CT is over and done with we head back done to the madness that is the ER. Marianne is chatting away aimlessly and I've drifted back to the thoughts in my head, mainly about Susan, when I feel another contraction start.  
  
"Shit!"  
  
"What is it?" Marianne asks her voice full of concern.  
  
"A contraction, I was hoping they would stop."  
  
"I'll get Dr Weaver to check it out as soon as we get back, it might just be one last one before they stop." She tries to sound hopeful; maybe she's right. I hope so.  
  
She pushes me into the room, helps me onto the gurney and scurries off to find Kerry. Alone I plead with my baby for it to stay where it is. I know if I have it now it should survive but it would be much safer if I can carry it another month. Kerry comes in taking off gloves and trauma gown.  
  
"Are you still having contractions?"  
  
"Yes, about five minutes ago when we were coming back downstairs."  
  
"Well we'll wait and see if you have another, if you do it looks like your going to give birth today."  
  
"Great." I sigh. Kerry gives me a reassuring smile.  
  
"Everything will be all right Abby, and it might not come to that anyway. Are you sure there's no one you want me to call?" I shake my head I definitely don't want Maggie here that would probably make things worse.  
  
"Anyway, Susan's been brought in, so you can stop worrying about her. She should be fine, nothing too serious. We've just sent her up to the OR. I'll let you know when she's out."  
  
"Thank you!" I breath a sigh of relief, at least she's still alive, but this day isn't over yet. 


	5. One Year Ago

Again I own nothing and I'm sorry about any incorrect medical bits. The part at the end is not from Abby's point of view, just a general one. This is a slightly longer chapter to make up for the last one. I promise that this will be the last medical bit for a while and then I can get on with the story. Please stay with it.  
  
Chapter 5 - One Year Ago  
  
One hour later I was still in the ER. I'd had four more contractions. Kerry won't let me go up to OB without getting my CT results first, which doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. Susan is still in surgery, according to Kerry her injuries are all fairly minor apart from having to have her spleen removed that is. I am desperate to go see her, check that she really is all right. Not that Kerry would be lying to me, I thought I'd lost her forever yet everything is going to be OK, hopefully.   
  
My thoughts turned to Carter. Did he know? I'd sent him a letter but hadn't got a reply, I'm not sure if he actually got it, or if he did and is ignoring his old life now he's got the wonderful Kem. When he brought her over here I did my best to avoid him, the five minutes I spent with them was about all I could cope with. I hadn't had the courage to tell him at that point, so avoiding him had been the easiest way to hide the fact that I was pregnant. I wonder what he would have done if he'd known. Would he have gone back with her? Probably. Things were totally over between us, another part of my life I'd screwed up. It was probably the hardest thing I'd lost. "I'm not going anywhere." That's what he'd told me, yeah right. I was stupid enough to believe him. I know most of it was my fault, I wasn't there for him when he needed me. He was always there for me, but I needed to be there for Eric, he is my brother, I've always tried to be there for him. Last year had been one of the best and the worst of my life at the same time. The night with the ring devastated me, why hadn't he asked me? I realised it was because I wasn't what he was looking for. He wanted the perfect Abby. I'm not perfect, not like Kem.  
  
"Hi, how are you doing?" a worn out looking Marianne pops her head around the door.  
  
"Not too bad, I just want to get out of here."  
  
"Same here!"  
  
"First day that bad?"  
  
"I'm totally exhausted, I don't know how everyone manages!"  
  
"It'll get better. When do you get off?"  
  
"In an hour, then I'm collapsing in bed!"  
  
"Lucky you." I give her a smile, which then turns into a grimace of pain.  
  
"Another contraction?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The baby monitor starts bleeping slower than before.  
  
"Why is the baby's heart rate dropping? What's wrong?" I ask totally panicking.  
  
"I'm not sure, though I'm sure it's nothing to worry about but I'll go and get Dr. Weaver." With that Marianne rushes out of the room. I watch the monitor as the heart rate drops from its previous 136 down to 118. Please stop, please stop. I plead with the baby. I don't need anything else to go wrong, this day has been bad enough already.  
  
***  
  
"If the heart rate continues to drop we're going to have to perform a C section."  
  
"No!" Kerry has just finished yet another examination, I'm trying my best to relax but it isn't really working.  
  
"Someone from OB should be down soon to take you up."  
  
"But I want to deliver naturally, I don't want a C section."  
  
"Calm down Abby, it's not going to make it any better getting worked up about this. I'm going to go and call OB again, all right?" I nod meekly knowing she's right.  
  
"Come find me if anything happens." She turns to Marianne who also nods in return and with that Weaver turns on her heels and exits.  
  
Marianne checks all the monitors again just in case.  
  
"Do you know if it's a girl or a boy?"  
  
"Nope, I wanted to be surprised. It makes it really hard to buy things for it though." I'm glad that she's trying to take my mind of what's happening though it isn't really working it does seem to be calming down the butterflies in my stomach.  
  
The baby's heart rate drops again only by a bit but that takes it down to 115. I look up to Marianne.  
  
"I'll go get Dr. Weaver."  
  
Kerry quickly comes back into the room and checks all the monitors as the heart rate drops again.  
  
"OB is jammed with two emergency C sections, they're going to send someone down now but it looks like we'll be doing it down here."  
  
"No you can't, I have to go to OB, please Kerry, no!"  
  
"We've got no option Abby, it's here or the baby dies."  
  
"There must be something else you can do!" I beg her even though from my work in OB there isn't. She shakes her head.  
  
"Sorry Abby. Dr. Coburn says that she'll be down as soon as she can providing there's no complications upstairs."  
  
I lean back against the gurney as another contraction starts. Please don't let this be happening. Please let the baby be all right. I pray to no one in particular, I've never been particularly religious, now I wish I had been. Perhaps this wouldn't be happening if I had been. I mentally chide myself, don't be stupid this would have happened whatever I believe in.  
  
"Abby?" I'm broken out of my thoughts by a doctor I haven't seen before.  
  
"Abby, I'm Andrea Shepherd, I'm from OB, I'm going to be here when they do the C section, all right?"  
  
"Are you a doctor?"  
  
"No, a nurse." Oh man, this isn't good, it really isn't good.  
  
"We're going to wait for some one to come down from anaesthesiology and then if the OR is still not free we'll perform it here OK?"  
  
"Yeah. Where's Kerry?" I turn to Marianne.  
  
"She's had to take a trauma, she'll be back soon. Don't worry Abby everything is going to be fine." She gives me a weak smile, which I can't decide if it's just because she's tired or if it's because something's wrong. I'm so tired I can't wait for this to be over just so I can sleep, but the baby is determined to keep me awake as I have another contraction.   
  
The anaesthesiologist arrives and I get wheeled into trauma 2 where Kerry is there waiting. The baby's heart rate is now down to 105, and the nurses are rushing around attaching leads to me.  
  
"Have you done this before?" I ask Kerry.  
  
"Yes, twice and I've assisted on others, don't worry Abby I know what I'm doing and Dr. Coburn will be here soon." The baby's heart rate falls below 100. "We need to deliver now!"  
  
I feel the pain decrease as the anaesthetic starts to work.  
  
"Can you feel this?" I shake my head. "Right, it'll all be over soon, ready?" I nod, all I want to do is sleep.  
  
"First incision." I close my eyes, not wanting to know what is happening.  
  
"Right, lets get this baby out. Damn!" I force my eyes open. I can hear the monitors bleeping.  
  
"What!" I look up at Marianne who quickly looks away from me. Why won't they tell me? What's wrong with my baby? I'm left wondering as everything fades to black.  
  
*************************  
  
"She's got a placental abrubtion, hang 4 units of type specific. Call Coburn now!" Kerry barks out orders.  
  
"She's crashing!"  
  
"Bag her, charge the paddles."  
  
"Hold on! Let me get the baby out." She passes the baby to Andrea and yells "Charge the paddles 260. Clear!" and then whispers "Come on Abby, don't give up you've got a baby who needs you."  
  
"Charge 300, clear." 


	6. Awake and Breathe

Thank you for your reviews. I'm sorry if you felt that the last chapter was a bit rushed I really didn't know how to write it. In response to Carbytothecore you'll just have to keep reading to find out what happened to the letter. I'm glad people are still interested in the story. I decided to bring Romano back from the dead because I don't think tptb should have killed him off. I have only just seen Touch and Go so I'll pretend that it didn't happen in this story and that Carter and Abby only saw each other briefly. Again I own nothing.  
  
Chapter 6 - Awake and Breathe  
  
I slowly force my eyes open. What the hell happened? There are wires attaching me to monitors, I can hear their steady rhythmic bleeping. Well it means I'm at a hospital at least. I move my hands and feet, they feel stiff and sore. Why don't I remember what happened? I try to sit myself up so I can look around to see if there are any more clues to where I am, as Dr. Romano and Dr. Corday enter the room. I take it I'm at County then.  
  
"So you're back with us?" Corday says with a smile. Romano's looking at my chart and checking the machines by my bed.  
  
"What happened?" at least they will know.  
  
"You were involved in a car accident. You were knocked unconscious, we had to remove your spleen, but all your other injuries are relatively minor, just cuts and bruises mostly. You were lucky Susan."  
  
"Is Chuck here?" I ask, thinking he may have been in the car with me.  
  
"He's been here sitting with you, I think he's just gone to get a coffee, he'll be back soon." I take it he's fine then. "Is there anyone you would like us to call?"  
  
"No. Where was I going, in the car I mean?"  
  
"You don't remember?" I shake my head. "I think you were taking Abby shopping." I get a funny feeling in my stomach when she says that.  
  
"How is she, she's all right isn't she?"  
  
"She wasn't hurt as badly as you." I let out a sigh of relief. "However she went into labour early."  
  
"Could they stop it?"  
  
"No, they had to do a crash C section in the ER. There were complications."  
  
"She's all right, she's not dead?"  
  
"No, both her and the baby survived. She hasn't come round from the anaesthetic yet, but everything looks good at the moment."  
  
*~*  
  
I hear the bleeping of machines, it tells me I haven't just been dreaming this is real, I am at County. I open my eyes suddenly remembering about my baby, is it alive?  
  
"You're awake then." I turn my head towards the voice, it's Andrea.  
  
"My baby..."  
  
"Is doing fine in the NICU." She smiles when she sees the look of relief on my face.  
  
"You've got a healthy baby girl." I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, a baby girl, a healthy baby girl! I can feel my smile growing until it's covering the whole of my face.  
  
"Can I see her?"  
  
"I'll get someone to bring her down to you. Is there anyone you would like me to call?" I shake my head; I'll deal with Maggie later. She turns and leaves. It's true, it's really true, my baby is alive. A couple of hours ago I thought everything was going to go totally wrong, that I might never see her alive.  
  
"Here we are mom." Andrea wheels in the incubator. Mom, I never thought I'd hear that. I sit up as my baby is brought closer to me. Oh my gosh, she's so tiny, but perfect.  
  
"Do you want to hold her?" Do I? Stupid question.   
  
"Can I?"  
  
"Just for a little while so that she doesn't get cold." She opens up the incubator and picks her up passing her towards me. The feeling I get is unlike any other I've ever experienced, it's amazing. My beautiful baby girl in my arms. I feel the tears coming again, tears of joy.  
  
"What's her name?" Andrea brings me back to earth. After all the debates I'd had with myself I knew as soon as I saw her what her name was.  
  
"Leah. Leah Rose Carter." I look up to Andrea to see what she thinks.  
  
"Leah Carter, that's nice." She smiles at me. My attention goes back to my baby, my baby Carter. I'm amazed at this tiny little person in my arms, perfect and beautiful, totally helpless. I must have just sat there for ages just looking at her sleep, Andrea walks back into the room, I hadn't even noticed she'd gone.  
  
"I'm sorry Abby, I'm going to have to take her back to the NICU." I look back at Leah, and plant a light kiss on her forehead before handing her back. "You'll be able to go up and see her soon. Dr. Coburn wants to check on you before we let you move about."  
  
I watch after her as she wheels my baby away. I lie back against the bed and wander back into my thoughts.  
  
*~*  
  
"Right, everything looks fine, you should be able to go home in a few days." Dr. Coburn finishes her examination of me.  
  
"When will I be able to take Leah home?"  
  
"We'll see how she's doing when we send you home, if nothing's gone wrong by then you should be able to go together."  
  
"Thank you." She gives me a smile before she exits. She's not been gone five seconds before I get another visitor, this time it's Luka, bringing with him a bunch of flowers which I gratefully accept, and a huge grin on his face which I'm sure matches mine.  
  
After Luka I got a stream of visitors, the nurses altogether - Chuny, Lydia, Malik and Haleh, then Kerry and then Chuck who updated me on Susan's progress. The next person to come in is someone I didn't expect to see again, it's Mike, he seems rather nervous, hiding behind a bunch of flowers he's holding.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure that you were all right." He says standing in the doorway.  
  
"I am, thanks to you and everyone else who got me out. Thank you." I repeat, smiling at him, trying to make him feel a bit more at ease.  
  
"These are for you." He comes a step closer, offering me the flowers.  
  
"They're beautiful, thank you." He moves into the room and puts the flowers on a chair. I hadn't noticed what he looked like before. His bright blue eyes catch my attention; those with his dark brown hair give him a kind of boyish look.  
  
"Anyway I better get going, more lives to save I suppose." He gives me a nervous smile. I would have never thought he was shy when I met him before, he was in control, now he looks like a fish out of water. I let out a small laugh just thinking about it.  
  
"What?" His face changes, as he becomes more defensive, making me want to laugh more, luckily I don't.  
  
"Nothing, it doesn't matter. Thank you for coming to see that I was all right. If you want you can come back and see Leah, my little girl." What was I saying? Oh well it won't harm to see him again.  
  
"Thanks, I might pop in if I bring a patient in. I'll see you later." He leaves.  
  
"Bye." I say as the door closes behind him. That was weird.  
  
A/N. It might be a while before I next update due to school exams but I'll try my best, and in response to Maura Tierney - did you really think I would let Abby die? 


	7. Imaginary

I finished an exam earlier than expected which enabled me to write this, but I don't know when the next part will come, probably over the Easter hols. Sorry it's only short. Thanks for your reviews.  
  
Chapter 7 - Imaginary  
  
"So you're going home tomorrow." Two weeks later I was still at County, there had been a slight complication meaning I'd had to stay longer than Dr Coburn had thought.  
  
"Yeah, I can't wait, I can finally eat something that tastes good!"  
  
"I'm so jealous! Is Leah going too?" Leah and I were sitting in Susan's room, like we had been for the past half an hour.  
  
"Yep, the Dr. gave her the all clear this morning. She's growing well and put on a tonne of weight."  
  
"I can see, she's looking good, she's a fighter."  
  
"Sure is." I look down at her sleeping peacefully in my arms - a little angel for the moment. "I don't know how I'm going to cope with looking after her all by myself."  
  
"As soon as I'm out of here I'll be around helping you. Just you wait, you won't be able to get rid of me!"  
  
"You might regret saying that." I smile at her. "When do you get out of here anyway?"  
  
"A couple more days. I'll be all lonely without you to talk to." She pulls a really sad looking face, just trying to make me feel guilty for getting out.  
  
"Chuck will still be in to see you though."  
  
"It's not quite the same thing." She laughs. "When does Maggie get here?"  
  
"Tomorrow, which should be fun! Luckily Eric's staying in Minnesota so I don't have too much to worry about. I suppose it'll be good to see her again."  
  
"And she'll be useful to have around - enable you to get some rest."  
  
"I suppose there's that! No, I do miss her, well at least until I spend anytime with her! That's what it's always going to be like I guess."  
  
"Oh well I suppose we both have our fair share of family problems."  
  
"Does your family even know you're in here?"  
  
"Nope, I have no idea where Chloe is and my dad wouldn't move from his chair anyway."  
  
"I'm sorry, I always complain about my family, I tend to forget that other people have their own problems."  
  
"I think you have more problems than most. And anyway you have your own little family now, with Leah."  
  
"I wouldn't really call it a family with just the two of us, but I'm happy with everything the way it is."  
  
"Even with Carter?"  
  
"Even with him, he knows about her yet he's still in Africa and hasn't been in touch since I told him, so it's just the two of us from now on." I meet her eye, trying to make sure she knows I mean it. I've had plenty of time to think about it over the past few weeks. I know I can manage on my own, I've proved that. Since he left I've gotten on with my own life, done what I wanted to. I'm happy.  
  
"Hey girls, how's it going?"  
  
"Hi Chuck, we're good," I smile at Susan "I better be getting downstairs anyway."  
  
"Need a hand?"  
  
"Would you be able to find a nurse to take me back, thanks." He disappears again as quickly as he came.  
  
"I'm glad you're all right with how things are." I flash her a smile.  
  
"I'll be up tomorrow before I leave."  
  
"You better be, I don't want to be lonely for any longer than I have to be."  
  
"Say bye bye to Aunty Susan, Leah."  
  
"Bye bye Leah, see you later Abby."  
  
"Bye." I say as the nurse wheels me out of the room and Chuck settles down next to Susan. I see her face light up as she laughs at one of his comments before I disappear round the corner.   
  
I'm happy. 


	8. Don't Leave Home

It's weird how some things work out. I didn't have any time at the beginning of the week but my teachers all seem to be ill or off, so I've had hardly any lessons, so plenty of time to do revision and write some more of this. I don't own anything, and I have no idea how to look after a baby so bits maybe wrong.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 8 - Don't Leave Home  
  
  
  
  
  
"I said do you want some tea?" the voice called through the door.  
  
"Sure, just give me a minute to finish with her." I was bathing Leah at home, just before her bedtime. Maggie was in the kitchen clearing away the dishes from dinner.  
  
She'd been here for two days, helping me sort myself now we we're both at home, she'd been a great help actually, we'd managed to have a talk after she had gotten here and sorted some things out between us. It was weird, it seemed to have helped not seeing each other for over a year.   
  
I lift Leah out of her little bath and lay her down on a towel. She's doing really well, it's great to have her at home, I get to spend all day with her, it's amazing I never thought my life would feel this complete, but it does.   
  
She opens her little mouth and has a silent yawn "You're a sleepy little thing aren't you?" I give her a smile as I dress her and carry her out into the kitchen to give her a last feed before I put her to sleep.  
  
"How's the little angel?"  
  
"Sleepy, like her mom." I reply with a yawn.  
  
"Let me take her while you have your tea." She takes her from my arms and I collapse on the couch.  
  
"Would you mind looking after her for an hour while I go and visit Susan tomorrow? She goes home in the morning, and I just want to see that she's all right."  
  
"I think I'll manage!"  
  
"Thanks. Do you really have to go at the end of the week?"  
  
"I need to get back to work, honey."  
  
"I know, I've just really enjoyed having you here." She turns her head quickly to look at me I meet her gaze. I see her smile, and feel myself doing the same. It feels good to have my mom back. Though I don't know if I'd ever call her mom again. She looks away again.  
  
"I need to get back to Eric as well, check that everything's OK. I've left him in sole charge of Dumpy, so I hope he's all right!" Thank God Eric didn't come with her, I don't think things would have gone quite the same if he had been here.  
  
"Yeah." I look down into my cup.  
  
"I'll come back soon, I wouldn't want to miss out on this little princess growing up."  
  
"I'll send you pictures, I promise. And when she's a bit older we'll come visit." I stand up, putting my cup down on the coffee table and taking Leah from her arms.   
  
"I'll just go feed her and put her down."  
  
I wonder into the kitchen, thinking about Maggie, about everything that's happened over the last few years. I glance into the living area and see her slumped on the couch, head bent down. I wonder what she's thinking about. The phone on the table in front of me rings and I answer it quickly. It's Susan.  
  
"Hey Suze!"  
  
"Hey Abby, sorry, I know it's quite late, but I was bored!"  
  
"I know the feeling." We talk for a while about her coming home and when I'm going to visit her.  
  
"Sorry Susan, I'm going to have to go I need to put Leah to bed."  
  
"Oh, all right, I'll see you tomorrow, bye." She hangs up; I place the phone back on its charger and move Leah into my bedroom. She's practically asleep as I put her down in her cot, I stay with her for a while, soothing her to sleep, until I know she's gone. I head back into the living room. I sit down opposite Maggie, her eyes are red, smears of mascara running down her cheeks. I move over so I'm sat next to her, picking up a box of tissues as I do so.  
  
"Hey, what's all this?" I ask gently, putting an arm around her shoulder and passing her a tissue. She bursts into tears again, I don't know what's the matter.  
  
"I'm sorry." she gasps between sobs.  
  
"It's all right." I rub her back with my hand trying to comfort her. She calms down a bit, turning to look at me, wiping away the tears from her cheeks. She looks a mess, black streaks across her red cheeks, shiny red eyes still threatening to shed tears.  
  
"I'm sorry." she repeats before going on "It's just that I made such a mess. Seeing you with Leah, I know you're going to be a brilliant mother to her. You really love her don't you?" I nod wondering where this is going.  
  
  
  
"I messed up, with you, with Eric. I tried but not hard enough. I look at you now and I can't believe you turned out as you did. You should have been screwed up because of me, but you have your life sorted, you seem happy."   
  
I want to laugh, how doesn't she realise I did screw up my life, not because of her, because of me, because of the way I am. Yet she's right I am happy, happy with Leah, not necessarily with my life, single mom, father not even on the same continent, half way to becoming a doctor, living on hardly anything, with a loan, signed by my ex-husband, to get me through med. school. She continues having composed herself a little more.  
  
"I'm sorry about all the things I put you through, Thanks Giving, trying to commit suicide, all the times I disappeared, turning up wherever, you were always there, you never left, you were always there when I needed you, like you were for Eric. I'm sorry that I always came off my meds, I'm on them now. I'm staying on them, I want to be there for Eric, for you and Leah, like a mother should be, I want to make it up to you." For the first time I think I believe her, I think she means it. I hope she means it.  
  
"I don't want to leave you, I'll be abandoning you again, leaving when you need me."  
  
"Maggie, it's OK I understand, Eric needs you more. I'm fine, me and Leah will manage, we have each other, Eric needs someone else, someone other than Dumpy." I laugh, making her smile. I put both my arms around her. She seems surprised, I'm surprised at myself, this isn't something I'd normally do. Yet it feels right. She responds and wraps her arms around me. We break away, she looks worn out.  
  
"You should try and get some sleep." she nods meekly. I get up and pull out her bed. She lays down, exhausted. I cover her with a blanket and switch off the sidelight.  
  
"Thank you Abby, for everything." I nod and she closes her eyes. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too..." I reply in a whisper "...mom."  
  
A few days later she's gone. I miss not having her around, after we talked we seemed to relax around each other more. Those last few days were good - mother, daughter and granddaughter altogether, as a family.   
  
She phoned when she got back, Eric was fine, Dumpy was still alive. She said thank you and promised to visit soon. I said the same and we went back to our separate lives, me and Leah, her and Eric.  
  
*~*  
  
A/N I don't know what you will think of this as an Abby/Maggie conversation. If you don't think it was very realistic, I'm sorry but I didn't know how else to write it. 


	9. There She Goes

Carter will be making an appearance shortly, I promise, only a couple more chapters to go first. Yet another fairly pointless chapter.  
  
  
  
Chapter 9 - There She Goes  
  
  
  
I opened the door and was surprised by who I found there.  
  
"Picnic?" he asked holding up what I take it was the food.  
  
"Mike! What is this in aid of?"  
  
"I just thought I hadn't seen you for a while, and it's a great day." That was true, I had been looking out the window all morning at the brilliant sunshine and blue sky. It was the end of April and was finally beginning to get warmer.  
  
"Sure, why not. You'll have to wait for me to get ready first though. Come in." I open the door wider, and he steps through.  
  
"It's nothing special, just sandwiches and things."  
  
"I'm sure it'll be fine. I haven't been out for a picnic for ages." I had only seen him once since I came out of hospital and though it had only been for a short time, it had felt all right though. It hadn't been awkward. I had looked forward to getting to know him better; maybe I would this time.  
  
  
  
Half an hour later we were on our way to the park. Leah was well wrapped up against any possible cold weather that might surprise us. He parked his car up and we climbed out. The walk round the park was beautiful, bright sun, spring flowers and passing families. We settled down at the picnic site. Mike unpacked all the food. 'Just sandwiches' was a bit of an understatement. He had prepared tons of food, enough to feed a few families let alone two people.  
  
"This is great Mike." I say stuffing a sandwich in my face.  
  
"I'm glad you like it."  
  
"Anyway why did you decide to bring me on a picnic?"  
  
"I was thinking about you, and I really want to get to know you more. As friends that is. And as long as you don't mind."  
  
"Of course I don't mind, why would I?" He is so shy it's really sweet, you would have never have thought it from meeting him when he was working.  
  
"I don't know." He looks down at the food in front of him.  
  
"So what do you want to know?" I smile trying to make him feel better about it.  
  
We had been talking for over three-quarters of an hour. I'd told him about parts of my life, about work and a bit about Carter. He knew that Carter was Leah's father and that he was in Africa. Now it was my turn to quiz him.  
  
"So, you know about me, what about you, any family?"  
  
"Not a lot, I've got a son, Aiden, he's eight. He's at a friend's house today so I could take you out instead. That's it really, just me and him against the world." He laughs. "I'm like you nothing goes to plan, I never thought I'd be a single parent either. His mother, Jodie, she died when he was three." He breaks off, looking around at the other people nearby.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's all right, it was a long time ago. It was an accident, couldn't have been prevented. I loved her, I still miss her now."  
  
"Of course you do." I say gently putting a hand on his arm. He looks back at me and gives me a sad smile.  
  
"I don't think anyone could ever fill the gap she's left. We were married for five years. They were the best years of my life." His smile changes as he remembers those times. I feel guilty for bringing it up, bringing back the memories. "Anyway me and Aiden are good. He's really sporty, basketball, soccer, baseball, anything with a ball really!" He says laughing. "You'll have to come watch him play sometime, he's quite good actually, not that I'm boasting or anything!" He laughs which I join in with.  
  
"Of course not! I'd like to do that."  
  
We sit and talk for a while longer about the rest of his life, until Leah gets fed up of being outside for so long and starts crying, and whatever I do I can't stop her. We pack up and leave, I'm sure most of the people in the park must be thinking what a bad mother I am letting my child cry so much.  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry about this!" I apologize as he drops me and a still crabby Leah back at our apartment. "Thank you for a lovely day."  
  
"Anytime! I better leave you too it. I've enjoyed your company Abby, I hope we can meet up again, that is if you'd like to."  
  
"I'd love to. Thanks again, bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
*~*  
  
Leah is finally settled and I sit down just as the phone rings, forcing me to get back up again.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Where were you?" Nice greeting.  
  
"Hey Susan."  
  
"Hey, so where were you? I called round earlier you weren't in, I waited for ages."  
  
"Sorry, Mike took us for a picnic." There's silence.  
  
"Mike? Oh paramedic Mike?"  
  
"Yep, it was really nice of him. We got to know each other a bit better."  
  
"So what's going on between the two of you?"  
  
"Nothing!" Trust her to think of it like that.  
  
"Yeah right come on Abby, spill the beans."  
  
"Nothing's going on! I promise. What did you want earlier anyway?"  
  
"I almost forgot! Can I come round now?"  
  
"Sure, what is it?"  
  
"I'll tell you when I get there. See you in fifteen bye." She hangs up leaving me wondering what's so important she has to tell me to my face.  
  
  
  
"Congratulations!" I throw my arms around my friend. "When did you find out?"  
  
"Two days ago."  
  
"And you only told me today?"  
  
"Come on Abby you waited six weeks before telling me."  
  
"I didn't know myself for five of those weeks. I'm so happy for you Susan! Does Chuck know?"  
  
"Yeah I told him last night. He was really excited."  
  
"I bet he was. Leah will have a friend now!"  
  
"She'll have to wait nine months for him or her to get here though!" I hug her again, I can't believe it, she looks so happy.   
  
"I might be round borrowing Leah sometime in the future." I give her a curious look.  
  
"I need the practice, I don't want to screw up."  
  
"You wouldn't screw up Susan, you've done it all before anyway. You've got nothing to worry about."  
  
"It'll be different to looking after Susie though."  
  
"How?"  
  
"I have no idea but I'm sure it will be, plus it was so long ago."  
  
"You're going to be a brilliant mother Susan. I'm so happy for you." This time it's her that hugs me.   
  
The perfect end to the perfect day. 


	10. Powerless

Thanks for the reviews, I'm glad people still like it. Carter will come back when he's good and ready, which should be pretty soon.  
  
  
  
Chapter 10 - Powerless  
  
  
  
I'm woken up by Leah's cries. I shield my eyes as I switch on my bedside light and groggily look at the clock. 2.30. Great! I force myself out of my lovely warm, comfy bed as her cries increase in volume.  
  
"Sssshhhh!" I say gently as I lean over and pick her up. "How's my little darling this morning? Hey?" Her crying becomes less desperate. After changing her the screwed up red face soon becomes a relaxed happy one. Curious eyes watching me.  
  
"Are you ready for today? Mommy's not going to be with you all day. Aunty Susan's going to look after you though isn't she! She needs the practise before she has her own little angel. Yes she does!"  
  
It's the end of May and my maternity leave is almost up and I'm down for my first shift at ten. Only a half shift as a nurse to get back into the swing of things slowly. Susan had offered to take her for the day instead of me worrying about leaving her in day care but I'm still going to worry, my first full day without her. How were we going to manage? I'm still talking aimlessly at her yet she seems content to listen for now. I place her back in her cot and collapse back in bed, if I'm lucky I might get another hours sleep before I have to get up properly.  
  
  
  
"Are you sure you'll be all right?"  
  
"I'm sure we'll manage won't we Leah?" Susan had come round at nine like we'd arranged, I'd managed to get that extra hour, not that it had done much good, I was still shattered before I even started work.  
  
"Right' there's a list on the table, milk is in the fridge, diapers are in the bedroom. I should be back by five. You'll call me if anything goes wrong won't you?"  
  
"Yes! Now go or you'll be late and Romano will be on your back all day." She sounds slightly exasperated with me already.  
  
"Thanks Susan I owe you."  
  
"I'll remember that! Go!" I give Leah a last kiss before hurrying out of my apartment towards the El.  
  
  
  
"Hey Abby!" I was greeted by Chuni as soon as I stepped foot into the ER. I was soon engulfed in a hug.  
  
"Hey Chuni!"  
  
"It's great to have you back. Where's Leah?"  
  
"Susan's taken her for the day."  
  
"I wanted to see her, you'll bring her in soon, right?"  
  
"I promise." I'd avoided bringing her in before, I think she's spent enough of her short life in hospital already. The only time she'd seen the ER was when we'd been discharged other than that the only people who had met her where those who came to visit us. By this point I was surrounded by a few other people who then quickly dispersed as Romano came into view, yelling as normal.  
  
"Does no one do any work around here?" Spying me he had to give one of his comments  
  
"I should have known it'd be you causing all the commotion. I'm sure everyone will be happier to have you back after you've started to pull your weight. Here." He dumps a pile of charts in my arms. Welcome back Abby! I turn to head towards the lounge.  
  
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" I grit my teeth.  
  
"To put my stuff in my locker."  
  
"Well hurry up you're late." I disappear through the lounge doors before he can say anything else, letting out a sigh as I do so.  
  
"Bad day all ready?" I'm met by Luka's more friendly face.  
  
"Hey Luka. No just Romano being a jerk as usual."  
  
"Don't worry about it."  
  
"I won't." I dump the charts down on the table taking of my jacket and putting on a scrub top instead.  
  
"How is she?" I close my locker and turn to pick up the charts.  
  
"Leah's good, though I don't know how Susan's going to manage, or me for that matter."  
  
"You'll both be fine." He gives me a reassuring smile.  
  
"Well the quicker I get out there the quicker I get home. I'll see you later Luka." I exit the lounge out into the chaos that is the ER.  
  
  
  
"Abby, Susan on line two." Haleh pops her head round the door of the exam room.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I don't know, I'll take over if you want to take it."  
  
"Thanks." I rush off a million thoughts running through my head at once, what's the matter with Leah?  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"Hey Abby."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Oh nothings wrong, I just thought you'd like an update." I let out a sigh of relief, thank God nothings the matter.  
  
"How are you both doing then?"  
  
"Fine, we're having fun, we went for a little walk, not far mind. We've both eaten and soon someone's going to have a little nap. Do you want to speak to her?"  
  
"Sure." I know it's daft seeing as it'd be a one-sided conversation but hey.  
  
"Hello darling, mommy's going to be home in a bit. I hope you're being good for Aunty Susan. I'll see you soon, bye bye baby."  
  
"Bye bye mommy."  
  
"Susan stop it."  
  
"Sorry, she smiled you know when she heard your voice."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yep, anyway I better put her down. I'll see you soon. Bye."  
  
"Bye." Hang up relieved to find out everything's fine I just can't wait for this shift to be over, only another three hours to go, hopefully it'll be quiet, I'm so tired already.  
  
"Abby GSW coming in now!" so much for quiet.  
  
  
  
I sink into the couch; finally it's over. I never thought it'd be this tiring taking half a shift. How am I going to manage when I come back properly? I change and grab a drink, giving myself five minutes to sit down before I head home.  
  
"You made it then?" Luka enters the lounge.  
  
"Barely! Want a drink?"  
  
"A coffee would be great."  
  
"Coming right up. You off?"  
  
"Yep, only an hour later than I should have been."  
  
"Tough case?"  
  
"Yeah, we tried for ages but the boy still died."  
  
"I'm sorry." I hand him the coffee.  
  
"We tried our best. Thanks." We sit in silence mulling over our day. He breaks it first.  
  
"Do you want a lift?"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Doesn't make any difference to me."  
  
"Thanks, it'll mean I can get back to Susan quicker."  
  
"Give me a minute to drink this and we'll get going."  
  
  
  
"Thanks Luka, do you want to come up?"  
  
"Sure, I'd love to." We climb out of his car and head towards my apartment. I force open the door and we are met by a screaming baby and a frustrated looking Susan.  
  
"Thank God you're here! I can't get her to stop crying, I've changed her, fed her, rocked her, everything!"  
  
"Give her here, perhaps she just wants to see her mommy, hey?" I take her out of Susan's arms, cradling her as I walk round my apartment. "That's better isn't it sweetie?" She calms down and after a minute or two is lying happily in my arms.  
  
"How do you do that?" Susan says amazed.  
  
"Like I said she just needed her mom!" I laugh at her. Susan throws her hands up in dispair.  
  
"I think she just hates me!"  
  
"No she doesn't she's been fine most of the day hasn't she?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well there you go she doesn't hate you."  
  
"This baby thing is harder than I remember."  
  
"You've done a great job Susan, don't let her bad mood put you off." I move to the kitchen and put the kettle on, still holding Leah in one arm."  
  
"Tea?" I get a 'please' from both Luka and Susan. "Sit down both of you. Luka would you mind holding her?"  
  
"Is it safe?" He jokes.  
  
"Don't worry she only hates Susan."  
  
"Hey!" Susan shouts from the couch. Leah starts to fuss as soon as I pass her over, Luka mumbles something inaudible to her and she starts to settle.  
  
"See she likes you."  
  
"It's nothing personal Susan, here." I pass her her drink. Luka is still saying things to Leah, in what sounds like Croatian, she seems content to lie there staring into his face.  
  
"You are really good with kids you know Luka."  
  
"I've had the practise." Me and my big mouth again, bringing up his past. "It's all right you know." He must have seen the look on my face. "It's all happy memories." He smiles, flashing his teeth, he looks so right sat there holding Leah.  
  
"Well I better be off, I need to get some sleep before my shift tomorrow." Susan forces herself up.  
  
"Thanks Susan, like I said this morning I owe you one."  
  
"You sure do!"  
  
"I'll give you a ride if you want, I should be going too." He stands up gently passing me Leah. "Thanks Abby, it's good to see you both again."  
  
"Thanks for the ride, I'll see you both in a couple of days."  
  
"Bye!" I shut the door on the two of them and sit down, looking at my little daughter thinking how lucky I am to have her, as she drifts off to sleep in my arms, a place I soon follow her to. 


	11. Unforgivable Sinner

I know this doesn't really make sense but it will soon hopefully. This isn't from Abby's pov though you'll see that when you read it.  
  
  
  
Chapter 11 - Unforgivable Sinner  
  
  
  
Flashback  
  
She picked up the white envelope lying on the table with the rest of the mail. It was addressed to him. The writing looked familiar but yet unfamiliar at the same time. She was curious, it was different to the others. She put it back down. She couldn't open it could she? Surely it wouldn't harm; he wouldn't get it for another couple of days, being away an all. He would never know, she could seal it back up, she just needed to know who it was from that's it.   
  
She slipped her finger under the stuck down flap. Cheap glue stuck it down, it lifted up easily. She pulled out the letter from inside and laid the envelope back on the table. The letter was the same crisp white, glowing oddly in the poorly lit room. She unfolded it carefully like it would break if she didn't. She saw the name, it was her, Abby. She was even more intrigued now, what was she writing to him for? She read the first line and then the second and the next until she was reading all of it.  
  
  
  
Dear John,  
  
I don't really know why I'm writing this, well I do, but I don't know why I don't wait until you get back, if you get back. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do, I thought it would be easier writing than telling you to your face. I should have told you when you were here before but it didn't seem right, not when you were with Kem. At least if I tell you by letter you don't have to explain why you were spending time with me. I take it she knows we used to see each other. She didn't seem too pleased when we spoke. Anyway this isn't about her. It's about me. Thanks for the letter by the way, you know the whole ER read it. It was good of you to think of me while you were busy playing superman and happy families. Sorry, I didn't want this to be bitter, I think you have a right to know.  
  
When you were last over here I avoided you as much as possible. I didn't want you to know, I wasn't ready to tell you. I am now, but you're not here. So I had to write instead. I hope you don't think I'm making this up just to get you back, I'm not, I wouldn't do that. I've got myself sorted now, you know I'm back in med. school, I'm doing what I want. Which is why I'm telling you this, it's what I want. I'm pregnant. There I've done it now, I've told you. I'm keeping it, it's yours. I found out the day after you left to find Luka, when you didn't come back. I should have known before, I guess I didn't think. I'm five months now. You probably wonder why I'm telling you this, when you're not coming back, now you've got your own family. But you have a right to know. I don't want anything from you; I just wanted you to know. Sorry I'm repeating myself now. I don't really have anything left to say that's it.  
  
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me, I know I let you down. But that's in the past, nothing can change that now. I hope Kem treats you better than I did. I hope she makes you happy. You deserve to be happy. Stay safe.  
  
Abby  
  
  
  
She finished reading and sat there in shock. He couldn't get it, it would ruin everything. If he got it would he go running back to her? He had a new life now, she wouldn't let this letter wreck that. She put it back in its envelope and tucked it into her pocket. She wasn't going to let her change everything. No, she wouldn't let it.  
  
  
  
End flashback  
  
She sighed and picked up the letter and put it in the box with the other things and taped it up. Abby could wreck his life now, it didn't matter to her anymore. 


	12. Ordinary Life

Thank you for the reviews. I hope you're impressed with the rate at which I'm managing to get chapters up, I'm trying to get Carter back as soon as posssible for you. Sorry about the shortness of this and the last chapter, the next will be longer and better, hopefully.  
  
  
  
Chapter 12 - Ordinary Life  
  
  
  
"Hurry up Abby you're going to miss the start."  
  
"I'm coming, you know you could have helped!" I struggle towards the living room laden with goodies. Ice cream, chocolate, popcorn, crisps and milkshakes. Full of healthy goodness, not.  
  
"I'm pregnant I'm supposed to be relaxing." She laughs.  
  
"I'm sure you could have managed the walk to the kitchen."  
  
"You're here now so what's the problem?" I want to hit her but I can't holding all this junk.  
  
"Move your feet." I plonk myself down on the couch next to her handing her the ice cream and a milkshake. We are having a girls night in mainly because neither of us has the energy to go out properly.  
  
"What are we watching first then?"  
  
"Bridget Jones' Diary."  
  
"Again, we've seen that about a thousand times!"  
  
"So I like it and I'm the pregnant one so I get to choose."  
  
"Was I like this?"   
  
"You bet!" She laughs shovelling ice cream into her mouth. I have to give in, if she put up with me I have to put up with her.  
  
"Fine you win, Bridget Jones it is, but I get to choose the next one."  
  
  
  
Four hours later we were full of girly films and junk food, well I was, Susan was still eating.   
  
"So any word from Carter?" Why did she have to bring that up now?  
  
"None, obviously his new life in Africa is more important to him than his daughter is."  
  
"I'm sure it's not like that."  
  
"Why are you sure? I haven't heard anything from him in about 10 months."  
  
"Carter isn't like that."  
  
"No, the old Carter wasn't like that, he has a new life now."  
  
"He'll turn up eventually, has Luka not heard from him?"  
  
"Not for a couple of months now, you don't think something could have happened to him?" Worry creeping into my mind, perhaps that was why no one had heard from him, what if he was dead?  
  
"No I don't, someone would have contacted us if it had."  
  
"What if they don't."  
  
"Abby he's fine, just wrapped up in whatever he's doing out there."  
  
"You're probably right as always." I lean back, trying to reassure myself. Why do I even care? It's not like he cares about me or about Leah, he's made that pretty clear. Yet I still care. Carter is just well Carter. I can't explain it even to myself, there's just something about him. My mind wanders back to some of the good times we had, by the river, in Doc's, up on the roof, they all come flooding back. We both sit there in silence for an age, when Susan starts to make a move.  
  
"I better be getting off."  
  
"But you don't have your car, you'll get soaked, plus it's late. Why don't you crash here? You can have my bed as long as you don't mind sharing a room with Leah."  
  
"Are you sure, now you mention it I don't think I'll stay awake long enough to get home. I would call Chuck but he's working."  
  
"I wouldn't have offered if it wasn't fine." I get up to go sort out the room, leaving her sitting there still pigging out on food. "If you don't stop eating you'll throw up soon." I get a muffled reply "It's bad for you to eat right before you go to sleep."  
  
"Stop being such a mom!" She laughs having followed me into the bedroom.  
  
"Here." I throw her something to sleep in.  
  
"Cheers, will you be all right on the couch."  
  
"I'll be fine, now get changed and go to sleep."  
  
"Yes mom!" I throw her an exasperated look and leave her to it.  
  
"Night Susan."  
  
I set about clearing up the left over food to make way for me to fit on the couch. I stack the dishes up in the sink, it looks like I'm going to have fun. I think about doing them now when I look at the clock it's past twelve and I've got a shift in the morning so I head to the couch instead and curl up to grab a few hours sleep before Leah wakes up. 


	13. My Immortal

Thank you again for the reviews. I've wanted to write this chapter for ages so I was really glad to finally get here so I hope you like it.  
  
  
  
Chapter 13 - My Immortal  
  
  
  
I am woken a couple of hours later by a knock on the door. I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and look at my watch, half past two. Who would be calling at this time? I walk over to the door and peer through the spy hole and freeze. What is he doing here? When did he get back? What does he want? There's only one way I'm going to find out what the answers are, so I undo the locks and ease the door open. He looks up at me, hair dripping from the rain, his clothes soaked through. His eyes red, from too little sleep or too many tears? He looks down as our eyes meet.  
  
"Abby." It was barely a whisper.  
  
"Carter?" Silence. I stand there waiting for him to say something.  
  
"I'm sorry, this was a bad idea, I just ... I just needed to talk to someone." He turns to leave, head down staring at his feet.  
  
"Wait." Did I really just say that? He turns and looks at me a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes. I can't change my mind now.   
  
"You can talk to me. That is if you want to?" Shut up Abby. I move away from the door, inviting him inside. This had to happen sooner or later I suppose.  
  
He accepts the invitation, moving slowly into my apartment, where he stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, head still down.  
  
"Can I take your coat?" He shrugs it off his shoulders handing it to me with a barely audible thank you. I hang it up then go to find a towel for his dripping hair.  
  
"We'll have to be quiet, Susan's asleep in there." I point to my bedroom as I hand him the towel. He's still stood in exactly the same spot.  
  
  
  
I move to the kitchen and pull out a chair from underneath the table, indicating for him to come over. I fix up two cups of coffee and place them both on the table. He gets the hint, walks over, slowly, and sits down, cupping his hands around the mug. He's staring down into it. I don't know what to do, what to say. I cast my eyes down from his face and join him with the staring into the milky brown liquid. We sit there in silence for what seems an age but must really only be a few minutes, the silence growing.   
  
Thousands of thoughts are running through my head. Why is he here, what does it mean? What's upset him that much that he would turn to me, of all people to talk to? What am I supposed to do now? Nothing. This is up to him.   
  
When I first saw him standing there I didn't really want to talk. Was there anything worth saying? But I know now, as I sit opposite him, I miss him. As a friend. I miss the fact he knew what I was thinking, well most of the time anyway. I miss the fact that we used to be able to talk about anything. Not like it is now with this deafening silence between us. I look up at him again, urging him to say something, anything, though not wanting to break the silence myself.  
  
"I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry." He doesn't look up, his voice still quiet.  
  
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" His eyes slowly lift until they meet my gaze, they're full of sorrow, of unshed tears.  
  
"Kem..." it had to come back to her didn't it, perfect wonderful Kem.  
  
"...she...I don't think I can do this." He looks away again. I reach out and hold his hand in mine, telling him I'm there for him. This time I am, not like the others. With his other hand he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a photo. It's folded in half, and looks worn from being folded and unfolded too many times. He unfolds it now, placing it on the table and pushes it towards me. I leave it there a second before picking it up. It's of a baby, only a couple of days old, eyes sleepily half closed. I don't understand, my eyes question him while I place the picture back on the table.  
  
"That's him."  
  
"Who?" I'm still not getting it.  
  
"Daniel ... Kem's baby."  
  
"But he's..."  
  
"...Yeah. He's not mine." His voice breaks slightly and a single tear runs down his cheek. I sit there shocked not knowing what to say. Perhaps Kem isn't so perfect after all.  
  
"But..."  
  
"She was with someone else when I first met her. It's his."  
  
  
  
Both of my hands are now encircling both of his. I don't know what to do to ease his pain. We sit there in silence, until I do the only thing I can think of to make it any better. I stand up, keeping hold of his hand. His moist eyes look at me questioningly. I motion for him to follow as I lead him towards my room. I slowly push the door open, not wanting to wake Susan, putting a finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet. We enter the room, his hand still in mine. I lead him across the room until we are standing by Leah's crib. The light from outside illuminating her perfectly. I look up at him, trying to gauge his reaction. His face changes from sad, to questioning, which then quickly turns to anger.  
  
"You thought now would be a good time to show me Susan's baby, after I've just lost my son?" He spits venomously at me. "God Abby!" I wasn't expecting that, but then I never do think things through properly, do I?  
  
He is turning around, ready to leave, when I whisper  
  
"She's not Susan's."  
  
He freezes, turning his head towards me, confusion etched upon his face. I look away, down at Leah, sleeping peacefully, no idea her daddy is seeing her for the first time. I have a lump in my throat as I repeat  
  
"She's not Susan's. She's yours."  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
So did you like it? 


	14. Honest Questions

Wow! All those reviews for me! Thank you! I'm really glad you like it, some responses to your reviews are at the end. I hope this next bit is good enough as I found it really hard to write and have three different versions of it on my computer, but I think this is the best one.  
  
  
  
Chapter 14 - Honest Questions  
  
  
  
"She's not Susan's. She's yours."  
  
Again there's nothing but silence between us. I want to look at him but I'm scared, what's going through his head right now? He turns back around towards us and steps slowly closer to the cot until he's touching it. From the corner of my eye I can see him looking down at her.  
  
"She's..?"  
  
I nod, then force myself to look up at him. His expression has changed once again. Tears are once more in his eyes, but not from sadness, the start of a smile forming on his lips. As I'm looking at him tears also form in my eyes, I wondered what this moment was going to be like but I didn't imagine this. His eyes meet mine, we are locked together with a gaze that conveys all our thoughts and feelings to the other. He finally looks away back to Leah.  
  
"Can I touch her?" I nod, she's his daughter.  
  
"Try not to wake her." I whisper. He gingerly stretches out a hand and touches the side of her face. I can tell he's lost in her just like I was when I first held her.  
  
  
  
After a while I move back to the kitchen, leaving him there lost in his daughter, unable to break the spell that has been cast in the room. I tackle the dishes that are stacked up in the sink, not knowing what else to do. A million different thoughts stampeding round my head. He came back. He came back to me. Why to me, of all people? What does it mean that he chose me? What does he want, expect? More importantly what do I want? There's only one thought that keeps repeating itself though. He came back to me after things fell apart in Africa. Did he think he could just pick up where we left off? That nothing had changed. Why was I so stupid, why did I tell him about Leah? I hear him enter the room, quietly closing the door behind him. I don't turn around, concentrating on the plate I have in my hand. He stays there for a while obviously as unsure as I am as to what happens now. I'm still working on the same plate when he breaks the silence  
  
"Abby."  
  
"What?" I reply quickly sounding angrier than I'd intended, turning to face him at the same time. He throws me a confused look.  
  
"What's wrong?" I turn back round, dropping the plate back in the sink. I try to keep my voice calm as I ask  
  
"What do you want Carter?"  
  
"Nothing." I turn to face him again.  
  
"Why did you come here?"  
  
"I needed to talk." He meets my eye and then looks away again.  
  
"You disappear for months, dump me with a letter, hook up with someone else and then when that all falls apart you come running back here, to me. Well I'm not having it Carter."   
  
My voice is gradually increasing in volume, he stands there for a minute, running his hand through his hair, before replying.  
  
"I came to you as a friend, someone to talk to. You invited me in, you said I..."  
  
"Well I wasn't thinking." I cut him off, viciously drying my hands on a towel that I then throw on the table, walking round it, putting more distance between us.   
  
"I am now and I know what you were thinking, I don't want you here. I don't need you here."   
  
"Abby, I came to talk to you, I didn't know who else to go to, we've always been able to talk. I didn't want anything from you. What do you want me to do? You tell me I have a daughter, do you want me just to walk out of here like I don't care? I care Abby, seeing her there, knowing she's mine, it was amazing, I didn't think I'd ever feel like that.   
  
Kem, she broke my heart, knowing that the baby wasn't mine, knowing that she'd known all along. It was the worst thing ever, I didn't know what to do. I stayed in Africa for a while longer, until she came to the clinic, her and the baby and Peter. It killed me Abby. I had to leave, so I came back to the only other person who's ever really meant anything to me, you. I know I can't make up for what I've done, but surely we can work something out between us, we have a daughter, surely you realise it means something?"  
  
"Sure, it means that although one family fell apart, you think you can fall straight back into this one, well you can't Carter. You left, you can't expect to come back and be part of mine and Leah's life!"  
  
"Leah?"  
  
"Yeah, that's her name, my daughter's name is Leah. I can't believe you!" I turn back to the sink really tempted to smash the plates in front of me. I stand there for a minute before turning around and storming over to the door, throwing it open.  
  
"Will you just leave." He doesn't move.  
  
"Get out Carter!" I say as forcefully as I can.  
  
"You can't just chuck me out after you've told me I have a daughter, she's mine too Abby."  
  
"Yours? She's yours? Where were you when I found out about her, when she was born, when she was in hospital? You weren't here were you? You were in Africa with her, and now things didn't work out you come back here, expecting everything to be fine. Well it's not!" I'm practically screaming at him.  
  
"I didn't expect anything. I didn't know she even existed because you never told me about her. You didn't tell me I had a daughter!" His voice slightly raised.  
  
"I did Carter, I told you. I wouldn't do that to you!" He looks slightly confused now.  
  
"Keep your voice down."  
  
"Don't tell me what to do." I'm still screaming hysterically.  
  
"I'm not, it's just you'll wake her." I shake my head in disbelief, what right does he have telling me what to do?  
  
"Get out Carter."  
  
"I'm not leaving until we talk about this."  
  
"Fine I'm calling the cops." I move towards the phone, he counteracts my move holding it down.  
  
"You can't do this Abby."  
  
"Get out!" I'm close to tears, still shouting.  
  
"Fine, I'll come back when you've calmed down."  
  
"Calmed down! When I've calmed down! I'll calm down when you get out of my apartment."  
  
"I'm going!" He shouts back, snatching his coat from its resting-place.  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow." He says in a more composed voice  
  
"Stay away from us Carter, we're managing fine without you." He turns around as I slam the door in his face before he can say anything else. I bolt it before sinking to the floor, tears rolling down my cheeks. I hear Leah crying yet I'm unable to move as sobs take over my body. The bedroom door opens making Leah's cry's louder as Susan enters the room holding her.  
  
  
  
"Abby?" I can't answer, I can't even look at her. What sort of mother am I not even being able to care for my daughter, telling her father to leave before she's even seen him. Why does everything fall apart so easily? Susan turns away, comforting Leah, back to my room. What sort of friend am I leaving her to cope with my crying daughter? She comes back ten minutes later without her and sits on the floor next to me, putting her arm around my shoulders. More tears flood down my face as she holds me in her arms.  
  
  
  
After I've calmed down a bit she asks quietly  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
"Carter." I reply even quieter.  
  
"He's back?" I nod and we sit there in silence, she wondering what just happened, me wondering what the hell have I just done?  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
Some review responses -   
  
Tracey - fireworks will hopefully follow!  
  
ER-Carby-Luva - No Kem - why would I want her in it, she only gets in the way of Carby goodness! Unfortunately I don't think we've seen the last of her!  
  
Kate Rosen - I don't know exactly what happens between Kem and Carter as I've only seen up to 'Get Carter', I've read a couple of spoilers but I don't know what else Kem does so I'll take it that he doesn't know.  
  
Miss Dynamite - I haven't decided if it's going to have a Carby ending yet you'll just have to keep reading to find out!  
  
Thank you to everyone else that reviewed. 


	15. Till The End Of The Day

Thanks for all the reviews I didn't like the last chapter so I'm glad you did!   
  
  
  
Chapter 15 - Till the end of the day  
  
  
  
I wake up in my own bed wondering how I got here. I see Leah's awake in her cot, but she seems content to stay there for the moment so I leave her and walk into the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror. I look dead, hair all out of place, eyes red from crying. I turn on the shower, undress and step under the stream of hot water, my mind on everything that happened last night. I turn the heat up, the burning pinpricks of water hitting my back, waking me up, reminding me I'm still alive, preparing me for whatever is going to happen today. Questions still going through my mind. Why did he have to come back when I had just sorted my life out? I want Leah to have a father but do I really want Carter back in my life? Can I blame him for leaving when I didn't tell him? Would he have come back if he had known? I'll never know now will I, what matters is that he knows and what I decide to do now. I switch the shower off and grab a towel.  
  
I wipe the condensation off the mirror, and my blurred reflection stares back at me. Come on Abby pull yourself together. I turn to the bedroom, picking out some clothes and dressing before I pick up Leah and head towards the kitchen. There's a note on the table from Susan saying she had a shift and would see me later at work. My shift starts at ten, it's now past eight, which gives me just enough time to get us both sorted but not too much to think about Carter.  
  
  
  
"Hey Luka," I say as I approach admit, carrying Leah.  
  
"Hey Abby."  
  
"If Weaver asks I'll be down in a minute, I just need to take her to day-care." I head towards the elevator.  
  
"Wait up, I need to go upstairs anyway." We walk to the elevator and step inside in silence.  
  
"So how are you doing?"  
  
"Good." I reply "You?"  
  
"Not bad." Silence again.  
  
"Carter's back." He turns to look at me, I stare straight ahead.  
  
"He's back?" I nod. "When?"  
  
"Last night."  
  
"Does he know about Leah?" I nod again.  
  
"And..." he presses. I sigh before saying  
  
"I don't know, everything's just such a mess." He nods this time.  
  
"I'm sure you'll sort everything out." He smiles, putting a hand on my shoulder, "I'll see you in a minute." He steps out leaving me alone with my thoughts. I'm sure he's right we'll sort everything out eventually, but how? I reach my floor and step out forcing myself to concentrate on something different. I look at my daughter, sitting happily in my arms, eyes focused on something behind my head.   
  
I say good bye as I leave her in day-care, I hate leaving her, but I can't afford not to. I step back in the elevator and head back to the ER, wondering what's in store today.  
  
  
  
"John!" I hear Jing-Mei exclaim, I'm in the curtain area. I peer through a gap, it is him, damn.  
  
"So are you coming back to work?" Keep him talking Deb. He's looking around the ER not really paying any attention to her.  
  
"Is Abby working?"  
  
"Yeah, she's around here somewhere." He's about to ask something else when he's noticed by some of the nurses who quickly surround him. I take this as my chance to escape, telling my patient I'll be back soon before disappearing down the corridor and slipping into the on-call room, peering through the blinds to check that no one noticed me.  
  
"Hiding are we?" I jump in shock turning to meet the face behind the voice.  
  
"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you."  
  
"Sorry Susan I didn't think anyone was in here."  
  
"I can't sleep anyway. So, who are you hiding from?" She sits up with a questioning look on her face. I have to tell her, there's something about her that makes you have to tell her everything.  
  
"Carter." I turn back around to look through the blinds.  
  
"He came here? Do you want me to talk to him?"  
  
"I can't ask you to do that, I just don't want to talk to him here." Susan stands up.  
  
"What time do you finish?"  
  
"Six, why?"  
  
"I'll go tell him to meet you after your shift."  
  
"I don't know if I want to."  
  
"You have to Abby, or are you going to hide everytime he comes into the ER?"  
  
"Shit!" I drop the blind. "He's in the hallway."  
  
"Look do you want me to talk to him, or do you want to fight it out here?"  
  
"Fine go talk to him."  
  
"I'll come get you when he's gone."  
  
"Thanks." I say as she opens the door, she flashes me a quick smile before heading off to see Carter. I peek through the blinds watching as she talks to him, he's still looking around, running a hand through his hair. She turns him around away from where I'm hiding back towards admit. Thank God for Susan! I really owe her for today and last night. I cautiously step out of the on-call room only to be met by Weaver.  
  
"You only came on three hours ago and you're taking a nap?"  
  
"I urm I was looking for Susan."  
  
"She left there five minutes ago." She's keeping tabs on everyone?  
  
"Yeah, I just needed to sort myself out."  
  
"Well hurry up and get back to work, we don't pay you to stand around doing nothing."  
  
I quickly turn around and hurry down the corridor back to my patients.  
  
  
  
"There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!"  
  
"Weaver was pretty pissed at me so I thought I better get back to work. What did he say?"  
  
"He's going to meet you at half six at Ikes, do you want me to take Leah for you?"  
  
"Would you? I promise I'll make everything up to you, I'll baby-sit forever for you!"  
  
"I'll remember that!" My stomach churns as I realise I'm going to have to actually talk to him.  
  
"What am I going to say to him?"  
  
"I'm not here to help you with that but if I were you I'd say what I feel. Now I better get going before Weaver gets pissed at me too! Oh and Abby, try not to shout at him too much!"  
  
"Cheers Suze!" She smiles and leaves, I look at my watch half one, only five hours to go!  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
ER-Carby-Luva - When I said I don't think we've seen the last of Kem, I meant in this story, not on the show. 


	16. Thin Line between Love and Hate

Sorry another short chapter, when I figure out where this is actually going I might actually write decent chapters. Thank you for the reviews.  
  
Chapter 16 - Thin Line between Love and Hate  
  
  
  
It's thirty-seven minutes past six, I'm late, yet I'm still standing outside Ike's watching people come and go. I have to do this, I can't leave things the way they are. I take a deep breath and make my way through the doors looking around for him. I see him, sat in a corner head down, looking into his drink. I think about turning around, but he looks up and sees me standing there. Great, there's nothing for it. I let out the breath I didn't realise I'd been holding and make my way over to him. I pull out a chair and sit opposite him. He looks worn out, beaten down, like he hasn't slept much over the past few nights.  
  
"Hi." I say quietly, unsure, how to begin. "You look awful." Good one Abby, great way to start.  
  
"I didn't get much sleep, I was thinking about what you said." He looks at me properly "where is she?"  
  
"Susan took her, I thought it would be best not to bring her here."  
  
"You don't want me to see her?" He looks hurt.  
  
"It's not that Carter, we just need to talk first." He looks down again.  
  
"I don't know what to say." Neither do I.  
  
"When did you find out?" He looks at me confused. "About Kem?"  
  
"When he was born, she told me everything then."  
  
"When was that?"  
  
"Just under two months ago." So that was why Luka hadn't heard anything from him then.  
  
"Why did you stay in Africa?"  
  
"I didn't know what else to do, where to go, so I just got stuck into my work there, until she turned up and I couldn't take it, I had to get away."  
  
"I'm sorry." He looks at me, it's the first time since he came back that I've looked at him properly, his eyes have lost the sparkle they used to have. He looks as though he's lost something which I suppose he has.  
  
"I didn't come here to talk about Kem." He breaks the moment.  
  
"Right." I look down, knowing it had to come to this eventually.  
  
"So?"  
  
"What do you want to know?"  
  
"If I can see her, properly." I nod, still not looking up. I have to agree to that, he's her father, I can't stop him from seeing her.  
  
"When?"  
  
"I'm free tomorrow, or the rest of the week for that matter."  
  
"I'm working the day after tomorrow, if you want you can take her at ten, have her for the rest of the day?"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"She'll only be in day-care otherwise, bring her back before five OK?" I get up to leave.  
  
"We need to talk properly." I shake my head still not looking at him.  
  
"Not now Carter."  
  
"When then?"  
  
"I don't know, I can't do this now, not here."  
  
"Can we talk about Leah then?"  
  
"Umm yeah, I suppose." I sit back down looking at him.  
  
"When..." He trails off obviously unsure how to bring it up. I take the lead.  
  
"I found out a few weeks after you left to find Luka, I should have realised before that but I didn't think about it. I didn't really think it was a possibility. I didn't know what to do, but then I realised I couldn't get rid of it."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"You weren't here."  
  
"I came back!"  
  
"Yeah, with Kem. How do you think I felt seeing you with another woman who was also carrying your child. You seemed so happy, I couldn't tell you. I was scared about what you'd say, whether you'd still leave, at least if you didn't know I wouldn't have to find out that you'd rather be with her and her child than me and mine."  
  
"But if you'd told me then maybe..."  
  
"Maybe what Carter, you would have left her? You would have come back to be with me, not left for Africa again? What?"  
  
"I don't know, perhaps I wouldn't have gone again."  
  
"So you wouldn't have gone back with Kem, even when you thought the baby was yours? Give me a break Carter!"  
  
"I don't know what I would have done, I didn't get the chance to make that decision did I?"  
  
"So it's all my fault again? You were the one that left in the first place!"  
  
"I left because of you, us. It was just, well you know!"  
  
"No Carter I don't because you didn't talk to me, perhaps if you had we could have worked something out."  
  
"That's a first, Abby Lockhart wanting to talk about something!"  
  
"You're such a jerk!" I've had enough, I get up grabbing my coat.  
  
"That's it run away again, let's all act like children again."  
  
"Fuck you Carter!" I turn about to leave then change my mind, uncomfortably noticing other people staring at me.  
  
"You always blame everything on me, perhaps I did run away from a lot of things, but you're the one who ran away to God damn Africa! Was that far enough for you? You sent me a letter breaking up with me because you were too childish to tell me to my face. Do you know I actually cared about you? I worried about you in Africa, that was why I didn't want you to go back to find Luka I was scared for you, not for me, for you! I didn't want you to end up dead too. The first time in my life I've ever asked anyone to stay for me they turn their back and run, pretend that I don't exist.   
  
I don't care anymore Carter, you can do what you like, get yourself killed, run away again, whatever! Just don't expect me to still be here waiting, wondering if you're all right, I've got my life together, without you, and I can manage by myself. If you want to be part of Leah's life then that's fine, if you don't that's fine too, but don't mess her about. You're either here or you're not, it's up to you, just don't expect me to be here for you, because I'm not. Decide what you want, if it's your daughter pick her up at ten, if not then goodbye."   
  
This time I actually leave. I leave him sat there all alone, looking slightly bewildered, slightly angry, but mostly just lost. 


	17. Warning Sign

Chapter 17 - Warning Sign  
  
  
  
I'm stood at the desk, Leah's sat on top of it in her little carry cot thing. I'm nervously fiddling with my hair looking round towards the triage doors. Will he come? What if does? What if he doesn't? I'm so confused by what I'm thinking. I'm going mad, and it's all because of one man. John Carter. How come he always manages to do this to me? An impatient cough brings me out of my thoughts. I turn around to meet its owner. Frank. I just look at him.  
  
"Do you think you could move your daughter off my desk?"  
  
"She's not causing any problems." She looks rather happy sat there, not a care in the world.  
  
"She's messing up my desk."  
  
"We'll be gone in a minute." He sighs giving me an unimpressed look before turning to answer the phone.  
  
  
  
"How's my favourite little girl doing?"  
  
"Hey Susan."  
  
"What's she doing down here? I didn't think you finished until five."  
  
"I don't, we're waiting for someone." She throws me an inquisitive look.  
  
"Carter."  
  
"You're letting Carter take her?"  
  
"You think it's a bad idea?"  
  
"No, I just didn't think you'd give in that easily."  
  
"I didn't give in, I want Leah to know her dad. Anyway I gave him an ultimatum, he shows up today or he's out of her life for good."  
  
"And now you're worried that he's not going to show?"  
  
"Yes, no, I don't know. I want him to be here for her." I look impatiently at the clock.  
  
"What time was he meant to be coming to pick her up at."  
  
"Ten."  
  
"Well he's still got five minutes." She said looking at her watch.  
  
"I know, I'm just nervous about it. It would be easier if he didn't show at least then I'd know it's just me and her. But then she needs a father. What do I do if doesn't show?"  
  
"The same as you've been doing for the past six months, forget about him."  
  
"But I haven't forgotten about him, I've still thought about him all the time, I just never thought he'd come back for good."  
  
"Yes but you've managed perfectly fine without him here, and you've got on with your life."  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"There's not any 'suppose' about it you have, you've gone back to med. school, stopped drinking, smoking, had a baby, and you're managing fine with all of it!"  
  
I smile thinking about it, she's right I can manage, but what about Leah? Then I grew up without a dad and it wasn't that bad. The smile soon disappears from my face as I see him walk round the corner.  
  
"Talk of the devil." Susan turns to see him, puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder before picking up a chart and walking off.  
  
He walks slowly up to me.  
  
"Is she ready?"  
  
"Yes, all her things are in the bag, there's a list as well, if you need anything call. Oh, and she's been rather sleepy this morning so she might need to sleep for longer. Can you drop her off at mine about quarter to six?" That's it don't talk about anything else apart from Leah and it isn't too hard.  
  
"Quarter to six it is then." He picks up the bag from the floor. I say bye to Leah before he takes her out of the ER, hardly having said a word to me. I stand there for a minute wondering why I just let him take her, knowing I can't do anything about it. Anyway what can go wrong, it's only Carter.  
  
"Abby, we need help in triage, bus load of kids with food poisoning." Sam yells.  
  
"Coming." What fun, pucking kids, I've got one of my own and that's enough.  
  
  
  
"Hi Carter, it's Abby, would you be able to keep her for a few more hours? Romano's got me covering for Lydia who's gone home sick. I'm really sorry to do this to you, I'll definitely be home by nine. Call me if you can't."   
  
I place the phone back in its resting place. I hate my job! Why do people have to get sick, especially when it's only an hour before you have to leave?   
  
"What's wrong?" Neela asks as she approaches the desk.  
  
"Only the fact that I've been on for eleven hours, got another one to do before I have to cover the end of Lydia's shift, while I've left Leah with Carter for the first time and had to ask him to look after her for longer probably making him wonder what sort of mother I am, and then I'm actually going to have to talk to him when I get home. So apart from that nothing." I walk off leaving her stood there. God I feel mean, she was only being nice and I had to go shove that in her face. Could this day get any worse?  
  
*~*  
  
Carby lover - Thank you for your review, it kind of helped me to think about where I was taking it, any more advice would be greatly appreciated.  
  
Thank you to everyone else that reviewed. 


	18. Lose Your Way

Thank you for your reviews.  
  
  
  
Chapter 18 - Lose Your Way  
  
  
  
Finally I make my way into my apartment it's twenty to nine and I'm exhausted, I wasn't even this tired when I was working nurse and med. student shifts and I'm only working nursing shifts at the moment until I get back into my rotations. I dump my stuff by the door and make my way to the kitchen putting the kettle on. It fells weird to be here all by myself. Though that won't be for much longer, the thought suddenly hits me, Carter's going to be here soon. My apartment's a mess, I quickly run round picking up Leah's things and tidying away some books and magazines, when I laugh at myself. Why am I tidying up for Carter? He's seen my flat in a much worse state than this and he's only dropping Leah off. I make my way back to the kitchen and make a drink, sitting down at the table, I really should think about getting some food but I can't be bothered. There's a knock at the door, I glance at my watch, five minutes early, I'm impressed. I make my way to the door and open it. He looks completely weighed down by all her stuff, yet he looks different, tired but happier.  
  
"Hey." I say taking Leah from him and turning into the room. He takes this as an invitation and follows me.  
  
"Hi, where do you want me to put all this?"  
  
"Anywhere, doesn't really matter." He dumps it where he stands.  
  
"I'm really sorry about today, Romano wouldn't let me go."  
  
"It's all right, we had fun didn't we Leah? I really enjoyed it."  
  
"So you managed a OK then?"  
  
"Just about! It was hard work, I don't know how you manage, she seemed pretty happy doing whatever though."  
  
"She is, but she's worth it. Do you want a coffee?" He looks surprised.  
  
"Sure." He takes off his coat, hanging it on the back of a chair. "I hope you don't mind, we kind of went shopping." I look at him he has a sheepish grin on his face. "I couldn't help it." He moves over to the bag I gave him earlier.  
  
"I only got her a couple of things, just incase you didn't want me to get her anything."  
  
"So what did you get?"  
  
"This, and this, oh and these." He pulls out a little blue summer dress with matching hat and shoes. "I know they're a bit big now, but she'll grow into them."  
  
I laugh, he looks so cute stood there holding little baby clothes, smiling.  
  
"You're not mad?"  
  
"No, if you want to buy her things do, just don't spoil her too much." I pass him his coffee.  
  
"Can we talk now?"  
  
"I guess." I have to do this sometime, I've put it off for long enough I suppose.  
  
"I thought about what you said the other day. I'm sorry for the way I left, it wasn't fair on you, I just needed to get away from everything, after Gamma died I didn't really know what to do. She left all the foundation stuff to me, which I didn't really want to deal with. I couldn't stand being in the mansion, everything reminded me of her, I just needed to get away. Things between us, they weren't good, you must have realised that." I nod before he continues   
  
"I didn't know how to deal with it, going to Africa seemed to be the best option, I could get away from everything. I couldn't though, when I was there all I could think about was you and Gamma. At one point the Mai Mai stopped us and they forced us to the ground. I had a gun pointed at my head, and the only thing I was thinking about was that I never said the things I wanted to you, I never said goodbye." I sit there in silence, finally understanding some of what went on in Africa, Luka had started some of that understanding, but this made more sense of it.  
  
"I came back straight here, to you, I didn't know where else to go, and when we spoke that morning I wish I'd done things differently, I saw how much I'd hurt you by leaving, and I didn't know how to make it better. When I came back, I left Luka there alone in a small clinic, the last thing I said was 'try not to get yourself killed' and then we left him. When I got the call saying Luka was dead, I felt guilty, for leaving him, I had to go back for his body, at least I could do that for him. I know you wanted me to stay, but I couldn't, I had to do it. When I found him I realised I couldn't come back. I didn't want to deal with everything here. I sent you the letter, because I knew it was unfair of me to leave you how I did. I know I should have finished it before, but I didn't have the guts, it was childish like you said, but I didn't know how else to do it.   
  
When I met Kem, it was just so different to what you and me had, she was completely different, that was what I needed. I know now I didn't really love her, but I wanted to, especially when she told me about the baby, I was so happy, I thought I was going to be a father, it was amazing. When I came back to you the other night, I didn't expect anything, I just wanted to see you as a friend, when I was last here we seemed all right you seemed happy, and you didn't seem bothered by Kem or us not being together any more. I've always enjoyed your friendship, from that first time on the roof before I, well you know, and then helping me through the addiction, being my sponsor. I thought we'd always be able to talk to each other, which was why I turned up here. I know how stupid that was now, I expected you to still feel the same, I didn't think things could have changed, but obviously they have." He glances over to Leah, who's sitting there contentedly staring at something across the room.  
  
"I'd like to go back to that Abby, to being friends, talking to each other, sharing problems. I know it's a lot to ask, and if you don't want to that's all right, we can just work something out around Leah, that is if you still want me to see her."  
  
"I do want you to see her, I know you'll be a great dad to her, but I don't know if I can go back to how it was, there's always going to be something in the way." He nods looking a bit down hearted.  
  
"That's not to say we'll never go back to that, it's just that I'm not ready at the moment, I've got used to my life without you, I need time to adjust to having you around. Though having someone else to look after Leah will be a great help." I smile at him, and get one in return even though I know it's not what he wants really.  
  
"When can I see her then?"  
  
"Are you working at the moment?" He shakes his head.  
  
"Well anytime that I'm working you can take her if you want to, seeing as she'd only be in day-care otherwise. As she gets older, and I get more used to being without her, we could perhaps make it set days, depending on both of our shifts. That is if you feel all right with that?"  
  
"Are you sure?" I nod again.  
  
"You have as much right to see her as I do, it'll just take a bit of getting used to."   
  
"Thank you." He gets up slowly and turns round ready to leave.  
  
"Carter?" He looks back towards me.  
  
"I'm sorry for some of the things I said the other day, I shouldn't have said them."  
  
"You had every right to be angry."  
  
"No I didn't, this is as much my fault as it is yours. I should have told you about her. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when your grandmother died, it was just, Eric needed me. I couldn't leave him there but I wish I'd been there for you. You've helped me through so many of my family problems, listened to me going on about them, yet the one time you need me I'm not there. I'm sorry." He looks away before quietly saying  
  
"Your brother needed you."  
  
"You needed me!"  
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
"But, it does."  
  
"Why, it's in the past, you did what you had to do, you can't change any of it." He looks back at me as I look down into my now empty coffee mug.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's all right Abby, I understand." He turns around, picks up his coat and says goodnight to Leah. He flashes me a smile.  
  
"Can I pick her up tomorrow then?"  
  
"Same time, and I won't be late back, I promise." With that he leaves, closing the door gently behind him.   
  
  
  
*~*  
  
Sorry I know the ending to this chapter was really rubbish, well most of this chapter was, but I didn't know how else to end it. 


	19. Shimmer

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I actually started working for my exams and totally forgot about this, I only have chance to write this as I had a riding accident and can't move my neck so get the day off school. I will try my best to update more regularly, I just hope people are still reading. I'm sorry if this isn't any good I need to get back into writing it.  
  
  
  
Chapter 19 - Shimmer  
  
  
  
"Carter's waiting for you at admit"  
  
"Cheers Susan", I step out of the exam room and join her in the corridor.  
  
"So what's happening between the two of you?"  
  
"Nothing, he's just taking Leah out every now and then."  
  
"What did you say to him?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Susan triple MVA coming in we need you." Saved by the bell, well Weaver actually  
  
"I'll catch you later, and then you can tell me all about it." She laughs before heading after Weaver. Just what I want to do. I continue down the corridor towards the desk.  
  
  
  
"Jerry where did Carter go?"  
  
"Lounge I think."  
  
"Thanks." I head through the door to find him sitting on the couch with Leah in his arms.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here this early?"  
  
"I have a meeting with Weaver about starting work again."  
  
"You might have to wait a while, she just got pulled into a trauma." I pour two coffees handing one to him before sitting down at the table.  
  
"She still works down here?" He says with a laugh "I thought it would all be above her now."  
  
"Nope, she still graces us with her presence every once in a while. So what have you been up to today, has daddy been spoiling you again?" I get up taking Leah from Carter's arms allowing him to drink his drink.  
  
"We went to the park and fed the ducks and then we had ice-cream, well I had ice-cream, I didn't think you'd approve me giving her some."  
  
"Definitely not!"  
  
"It's a good job I didn't take you to MacDonalds Leah, I think mummy would have killed daddy!"  
  
"I think even at seven months my daughter has better taste than MacDonalds!"  
  
"Can I take her tomorrow, we were going to visit the zoo."  
  
"Could you make it another day, I've got the next two days off and want to spend some time with her. I've missed her, even though I wouldn't see her much when I'm working anyway. I miss being able to pop up to see her in day-care in my breaks."  
  
"OK, can I pick her up on Tuesday? You know if you don't want me to take her out so often I don't have to."  
  
"No, it's fine, it's better for her than being stuck in day-care, I better make the most of it if you're starting back here." I glance at my watch, I better get out there before someone notices I'm gone. "I better take her up now, if you've got a meeting with Weaver."  
  
"It's all right I'll take her if you need to get back, and if she got pulled into a trauma it won't be for a while. I'll see you before I go."  
  
"Thanks." I say after passing Leah back to him and hurrying out, immediately being yelled for by Sam at triage, I seem to have forgotten that I was meant to be taken over from her.  
  
*~*  
  
"Right, so what's going on between you two?"  
  
"Like I said nothing. He came round last week, and we talked. We didn't even end up shouting at each other. He told me why he left and about Africa and Kem. Well we eventually got onto Leah and I said that he could take her out while I'm at work." The three of us were sat in a diner near Susan's house. Me and Leah across from her, separated by a mountain of food. She had bought more than enough for two people let alone one, when I commented on it she had just laughed saying she was eating for two.  
  
"So nothings going on?"  
  
"Nope." I shake my head, before tucking the stray strands of hair behind my ears.  
  
"Chuny's going to be disappointed."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She really thought something had happened between the two of you, asked me to find out what!" She gives me a sheepish grin.  
  
"I can't believe you!"  
  
"You would have done the same if it was someone else." That's true "And it wasn't just me!"  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"How did you guess?"  
  
"Well she did seem a bit odd yesterday, she kept asking all these different questions."  
  
"You didn't give anything away though."  
  
"There was nothing to give away."  
  
"I was hoping for some juicy gossip!"  
  
"Sorry, you'll just have to find another victim." She gives me a curious look.  
  
"What?" She shakes her head  
  
"Nothing," I throw her a look  
  
"You just seem different, good different, happier."  
  
"I suppose I'm just glad to have sorted some things out with Carter, it feels good to know where we stand, I didn't know what to think, or feel, at least we're talking again, and he seems happier. He seems to enjoy taking Leah out, and I'm glad he wants to be part of her life." She shakes her head  
  
"You and Carter."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"It's just you always do this with each other, never tell each other what your thinking, wondering what the other is feeling. It'd have been so much easier if you'd just sorted everything out from the beginning."  
  
"What when he came back the first time?"  
  
"Before he went in the first place, if you'd have talked to each other perhaps none of this would have happened."  
  
"I think things would have got worse if he'd stayed, we needed space apart from each other, I'm happier now that we're not together than when we were. It was just too complicated, everything seems so much easier now. I probably wouldn't have said that a month ago, but it does now."  
  
"Good, it's about time you were happy."  
  
"I am." We sit there in silence, I tend to Leah while Susan continues stuffing her face.  
  
"God, I better be getting back." She says glancing at her watch.  
  
"Chuck?"  
  
"Yeah he wants me to go meet his parents tonight."  
  
"Nervous?"  
  
"Very, I really don't know what to expect. He's asked me to marry him again." My head shoots up to look at her, a smile spreading across my face.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said maybe, it seems like the right thing to do I just don't know if it's what I want."   
  
"Have you talked to him about how you feel?" she shakes her head.  
  
"So you tell me I should have just talked to Carter from the start, but you don't take your own advice?"  
  
"I suppose you're right, I've been putting it off for long enough." She gets up and collects the bill, I follow her with my eyes, wondering what she's going to decide. I fish around for some money in my bag that I find as she comes back.  
  
"How are you getting home?"  
  
"I'll get a cab."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yeah, I have done it before!"  
  
"I know, it's just that I'm sure Chuck wouldn't mind dropping you off."  
  
"No, it's fine, anyway you two need to talk." I flash her a smile before packing up my stuff and sorting Leah out. We exit the dinner and say goodbye as she walks round the block to her apartment and I hop into a cab.  
  
  
  
I step out of the car, passing the driver my money, which is difficult holding my bags and Leah, before turning round towards my building. Sat on the steps is a person I didn't expect to see.  
  
"Carter?"  
  
He looks up quickly, running a hand over his eyes, which doesn't disguise the fact he's been crying. He stands up as I walk towards him and takes one of my bags, leaving me with a free hand to open the door and he follows me in to the building closing the door behind him. 


	20. Trust

Once I started writing this chapter I just seemed to carry on writing so it's a bit rambling and longer than usual. Thank you for your reviews, I'm glad some of you are still reading.  


  
  
Chapter 20 - Trust  
  
  
He follows me up the stairs and into my apartment, I motion for him to sit down while I sort Leah out before joining him at the table. I pass him a drink and wait for him to say something, he stares into his drink for a while before looking up.  
  
"I got your letter."  
  
"What letter?"  
  
"The one you sent me in Africa."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Kerry gave me a box of stuff that got sent to the ER, it was from Kem."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry."  
  
"No, I came here to apologise. I realise how hard it must have been for you, I can't believe she kept this from me, I know why she did it, I just can't believe she did. What right did she have?" He shakes his head looking down and away from me.  
  
"Carter, I'm sorry." He doesn't seem to register that I said anything.  
  
"I'm sorry that I thought you'd keep something like this from me, you're not the same as Kem. When you told me I had a daughter I was so happy yet angry with you for not telling me about her, so I missed those first few months of her life. I should have known something wasn't right, I can't believe her."   
  
"You couldn't have known anything. Did she give you anything to suspect that something wasn't right?"  
  
"I don't know I wasn't looking for it. I thought she loved me, I thought I loved her.  
  
"Don't beat yourself up over this, you can't change anything now can you?"  
  
"I just wish I knew why she'd done it."  
  
"Well you could say she did you a favour, you wouldn't have come back if she'd had your baby would you?" He looks up wondering what I'm saying.  
  
"Probably not."  
  
"Then you wouldn't know about Leah."  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Come on Carter, I'm trying my best, I don't know how to make you feel any better, I thought you'd started to put this behind you." His expression changes, his voice rising in volume.  
  
"You thought I could just forget about what happened?" I shake my head, meeting his eye.  
  
"No, that wasn't what I meant."  
  
"Well what did you mean."  
  
"I meant that I thought you'd started to put it behind you, moved on, so that you didn't think about it as much, didn't let it hurt you anymore."  
  
"Well it hurts Abby, it still hurts. It hasn't gone away, I can't believe that you think I could forget about what happened just like that! Did you think that because I have Leah I've forgotten about Daniel and Kem? That I don't think about their lives now, a happy family in Africa with Peter, the family that I'm never going to be a part of!"  
  
"I know how much this has hurt you,"  
  
"How? How do you know? You have no idea, you've not lost everything."  
  
"Neither have you. You've still got friends and family, you have Leah. It may not be a perfect family but you've still got a daughter, don't forget about her, she's still yours."  
  
"Did I ever say I had?"  
  
"No."  
  
"It's not the same,"  
  
"Well what do you want me to do? Say I forgive you, say that I miss you, that I've never stopped loving you. How I want to be a family, you, me and Leah, pretend that Africa never happened. Pretend you never left, never met someone else? What Carter, you tell me."  
  
"I know that can't happen Abby."  
  
"Yeah it can't, because you changed all that. You could have had the family that you wanted but you messed it up."  
  
"I messed it up? So it's all my fault now?"  
  
"No, I'm just saying you could have had it."  
  
"You didn't want that,"  
  
"Didn't I? When did I say that Carter? Remind me."  
  
"You were never happy."  
  
"I was. I was happy with you. You were the only thing in my life that I was happy with, the one person I could depend on. You said you weren't going anywhere, then you go and let me down like everyone else."  
  
"We had changed."  
  
"No, you wanted to change me."  
  
"I didn't, I was happy with you."  
  
"You liked the idea of being with me - a happy Abby, an Abby that didn't drink or smoke, an Abby with no family problems and one that hadn't had a relationship with anyone else."  
  
"That's not true."  
  
"So why didn't you ask me to marry you, that night in the restaurant?"  
  
"It was the wrong time,"  
  
"Stop kidding yourself Carter. It was because I said I didn't know whether people really change, right?" He looks me in the eye before looking down again not saying anything.  
  
"Come on answer me Carter! You wanted me to change, stop drinking, stop smoking, stop worrying about everything."  
  
"It wasn't just that, before I got to the restaurant I took Maggie to the bus station remember?" I nod not sure what this has to do with anything, but if it concerned Maggie it probably wasn't good. "Well I told her I was going to ask you, what she said made me think."  
  
"So what did she say?"  
  
"How she'd never stopped drinking or smoking, how your marriage with Richard failed, how all her marriages had failed."  
  
"My marriage with Richard failed for many reasons."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"Like his affairs, we didn't talk about anything. We wanted different things. I supported him through med. school, waited until he'd gone through before I started, and he repaid me by playing around.  
  
I didn't fight him for anything when we separated; I didn't get anything from him apart from him paying my fees, which he then stopped. The one dream I'd ever thought I could achieve he stopped it from happening. Of course I'd had other dreams - having a normal family, a sane mother, a dad that cared about me, but I knew that they weren't going to come true, but I knew I could become a doctor. I knew I could do it and he took that away from me. You can't compare our relationship to my marriage with him, it wasn't the same."  
  
"It could have ended the same."  
  
"Well, we'll never know now will we?"  
  
"I guess not."  
  
We sit there in silence, wondering what could have been, what could have happened if we'd said different things, where we would be now.  
  
"I'm sorry." I look up at him questioningly. "For wanting to change things, for not being happy with how things were and for saying I wasn't going to leave you. I shouldn't have said that when I didn't know for sure that I wouldn't. Were there any good time?"  
  
I laugh softly,   
  
"Yeah there were, in the beginning, but I think the best times were before we were together as friends, we understood each other better then I think. We actually listened to each other rather that just doing what we thought was best."  
  
"I suppose I did that."  
  
"We both did, we thought we were doing the right thing, but we were hurting each other instead. It wasn't working and you leaving was probably the best thing to happen for both of us, giving us the time and space we needed to think about what we were doing. I'm just sorry that when you came back I chucked you out. I just wanted you to know how much you hurt me, I wanted to punish you for leaving, leaving me alone, by myself. I wasn't thinking about why you left, just that you weren't even going to tell me that you were going to leave. Did I mean that little to you?"  
  
"No, it was just,"  
  
"It's all right Carter, I don't care why you didn't tell me, it's just why you left that matters. I understand why you left, now. I just wish you'd stayed here, perhaps we could have worked things out. I understand why you went back, for Luka, you've told me that. What if you hadn't got that call, where would we be now? Would we have talked and sorted things out, or would things have been the same between us, always arguing, hurting each other? But if you hadn't have gone I probably wouldn't have sorted my life out. I wouldn't have gone back to med. school, I might not have stopped drinking and smoking. It could have gone the other way, I could have continued drinking. I could have drunk myself stupid, but I knew I had to make a choice, I could either fix my life or be a drunk forever. I chose to fix my life for myself and be happy, not to make someone else happy but for me. That's what I had to do, sort my life out myself, without having anyone else trying do it for me. So for that I'm glad that you left if not for any other reason. You wanted to help me, and you did it without realising it, it was the best thing you could have done, so thank you."  
  
He doesn't know what to say he stares at me for a while before replying   
  
"I'm glad that you sorted that out. To be honest I gave up, I didn't know what else to do. I figured it was up to you."  
  
"It was, I had to do it for myself, by myself."  
  
"What made you keep her?" The sudden change in question throws me.  
  
"What?"  
  
"When you found out you were pregnant, why did you decide to go through with it, when nothing had been working out. We never spoke about having children, I never knew you wanted any."  
  
"I wasn't sure at first, I thought about it for ages. I thought how I'd cope, whether I'd be able to manage by myself. I thought about the disease, whether I'd pass it on. Could I live with myself giving my daughter a disease that could ruin her life? I'd already decided to go back to med. school and didn't know whether I'd be able to do both but I talked with my mentors to work something out. But really I knew from the start that I wanted her, I wanted to be a mom and I knew it would be hard but I'd manage, I'd make it work. I also knew I couldn't have done it again."  
  
"Again?"  
  
"I knew that I couldn't have an abortion." My voice drops to a quieter level and I look away from him. "When I was married, I got pregnant, I didn't go through with it, it's something I've thought about a lot since then, wondered what could have been, and I couldn't go through that again."  
  
"I never knew that, I'm sorry."  
  
"For what? It was my choice."  
  
"What about Richard?"  
  
"He never knew."  
  
"You never told him?" shock evident in his voice. I shake my head still not meeting his eye.  
  
"No, I didn't see why I should, it was my decision. He messed up our marriage, he wasn't going to mess up the rest of my life as well."  
  
"Would you have told me?"  
  
"It wasn't an option, I wasn't thinking about having an abortion, I wouldn't have done it so you don't have to think about that."  
  
"But what if you had?"  
  
"Carter, I didn't, I wouldn't have done it, but would it have mattered to you if things had worked out with Kem?"  
  
"Of course it would have, it was my baby too, just because I wasn't there wouldn't have meant that I didn't want it. I can't believe you wouldn't tell me."  
  
"I would have."  
  
"How do I know?"  
  
"You don't, you'll just have to trust me."  
  
"How can I knowing what you did."  
  
"What I did has nothing to do with you, things were different then, I wouldn't have kept it from him if I'd thought it'd matter to him. None of this is relevant anyway, I had her, Leah's her and she's your daughter.  
  
"You didn't think it'd matter to him?"  
  
"I didn't matter to him so why would my child?"  
  
"Because it was his."  
  
"And how many other children might he have fathered? How many other women did he sleep with when we were together?  
  
"You don't know that he wouldn't have wanted it."  
  
"And I don't know that he did, it was my decision, and I wish I hadn't had to make it, don't make me feel any worse than I already do, I know I made the right decision for me at that time. It has nothing to do with you, it happened before I even met you, you have know idea what my life was like then. You have no right to tell me whether what I did was right or wrong. It felt like it was the only option so I took it."  
  
"Why are you telling me all this?"  
  
"You asked, I need you to understand why I did it. I'm not bothered whether you think it's right or wrong, I just want you to understand."  
  
"I understand, but I don't think it was right, you should have told him."  
  
"Fine, it's up to you what you think, all I want is for you to understand." We sit there for a while before he says,  
  
"How did we get on to this, I only came around because I got your letter, oh and I wanted to give Leah these." He gets up and walks to his bag, which is by the door, he unzips it and pulls out a box, which he brings over to me.  
  
"I know it's a bit late to give you these, but I wanted my first child to have them, that's why I gave them to Kem, but I want you to have them now. Open it."  
  
I reach forward and open the box, pulling out a silver rattle, spoon and cup.  
  
"They're gorgeous, but why?"  
  
"They were mine when I was a baby, I wanted to pass it down my family, that's what got me started thinking about Kem, why I got so upset, thinking about what might have been." I had completely forgotten that the reason we were talking now was because he'd been upset, I had done all the talking again.  
  
"Carter I'm sorry, I totally forgot that you were upset, I got wrapped up in myself again. Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"No, it's all right, listening to what you said, it helped take my mind off things and also think about the things I have in my life now. I have Leah, and I have friends, you, Susan, Luka and Deb, I'm not alone, it might not be the perfect family I thought I'd have, but it's important to me, and it means a lot that I still have all of you after everything. I'm really glad, we are still able to talk, it means a lot knowing that I can always come and talk to you, I don't know what I'd do otherwise."  
  
"Find someone else." I laugh, he manages a small smile.  
  
"No I'm serious, thank you."  
  
"It's all right Carter, I owe you, the amount of times, I've dumped my problems on you, if you want to talk do." He nods his head before repeating  
  
"Thank you." I smile back at him and as we sit drinking our drinks my thoughts wander back to when we used to just sit and talk. And how much I miss having him to do that with, perhaps it wouldn't be that hard to go back to how we were, at least in some respects anyway. 


	21. Landslide

Thank you for your reviews

* * *

Chap 21 - Landslide  
  
"Hey Carter, come in, she's all ready and waiting to go." I turn away from the door leaving it open for him to come in, and set about collecting my things together from around the room.  
  
"Hi, are you all right? You seemed a little stressed."  
  
"I just got up a bit late and my lift should be here soon."  
  
"I thought you weren't on till half eight."  
  
"I'm not, we're going for coffee first." I finish finding my stuff and join him in the kitchen with Leah.  
  
"Oh right, I better let you get off then."  
  
"My lift isn't here yet anyway. What are you two going to do today?"  
  
"I don't know yet, I'll take her back to the mansion and decide from there."  
  
"You still living there? I thought you were selling it."  
  
"I decided I'd keep it for now, I can't really be bothered with having to sort it all out as well as starting back at work. I think I'm just going to throw myself into that and see how it goes before looking for somewhere else to live."  
  
"Right. When are you starting back?"  
  
"Two days."  
  
"We'll have to sort something out then, can we talk about it tomorrow night?"  
  
"Yep, what time?"  
  
"I get off at six so anytime after that." There's a knock on the door and I move to open it.  
  
"Hi Mike, I'll be one minute." He notices Carter and looks a bit uneasy.  
  
"I'll wait in the car." He turns and walks down the stairs.  
  
"Thanks." I say before turning back to Carter.  
  
"Right, I better be going, I'll see you tonight." I walk over to Leah giving her a kiss goodbye.  
  
"See you later darling, I'll pick her up after my shift if that's all right?"  
  
He nods slowly "Who was that?" I look back at him smiling as I head out the door.  
  
"Mike, my lift, I'll talk to you later, bye." I pick up my bag and head down the stairs after Mike.

* * *

"Thanks for this Mike"  
  
"It's only coffee."  
  
"No, not just for that, for the lift and the company."  
  
"No problem, I enjoy the company too, it's nice to have someone else to talk to other than an eight year old or people at work. We should do this more often I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks."  
  
"I know I've been really busy."  
  
"Was that him?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Leah's father?"  
  
"Yeah, that was Carter, he came back three weeks ago."  
  
"How have things been between you two?"  
  
"A bit rocky, most of the time we get on all right, sometimes we end up just arguing and shouting but I think we're getting there, just!"  
  
"It's bound to take time."  
  
"Just how much?" He laughs.  
  
"It'll take however long it takes, you'll get there eventually." I nod in reply, I suppose he's right.  
  
"You better be going anyway if you don't want to be late." I look at my watch and jump up.  
  
"Is that the time already?" I pick up my coat fishing some change out of my pocket for the coffee. "Are you working on Sunday?" He shakes his head no. "I finish my shift at twelve, if you want to do something."  
  
"Sue I'll pick you up if you want, I'll have Aiden with me mind."  
  
"That's fine, I'll see you then." I rush off towards the hospital before anyone has chance to realise I'm late.

* * *

"Right I think that's everything sorted for the next month anyway." Carter and I were sat in my kitchen, we'd just been comparing shifts and sorting out who was taking Leah when. We'd managed to agree on a plan fairly quickly.  
  
"Yep, it's worked out quite well really, not many of our shifts are at the same time, so she has to spend less time in day care. Are you sure you're going to be able to manage working and looking after her, I could find a nanny if you want?" I don't want to stress him out more than necessary.   
  
"No, I'll be fine, it'll take a while to get used to but you seem to manage so I'm sure I will."  
  
"Yeah, but I've had the practise." I laugh.  
  
"I'll manage!"  
  
"Tell me if you're not won't you, it doesn't make us bad parents having to hire a nanny."  
  
"I know it doesn't but we don't need to unless you want to get one?" Fine turn it round to me why don't you.  
  
"Not if you're helping, we'll manage fine."  
  
"So you're picking her up from day care tomorrow at twelve?"  
  
"Yes, you're dropping her off in the morning, and then I'm taking her out with Mike after my shift."  
  
"Who is this Mike?" He asks curiously.  
  
"Oh, he's a friend, he rescued me and Susan from the accident."  
  
"What accident?"   
  
"You still don't know about that?" I didn't realise he didn't know, how could he not?  
  
"No, what happened?"  
  
"Me and Susan nearly died, nothing serious really!" I try to shrug it off I don't really want to go into detail about it, but he's not going to drop it.  
  
"When was this?"  
  
"About eight months ago, it's why Leah was premature, the car we were in got hit from the side pushing it across the road into the cars coming the other way. We were both all right luckily."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"I haven't really thought about it, I kind of forgot you didn't know, it doesn't really come up in general conversation."  
  
"I suppose not, I can't believe I didn't know!"  
  
"You do now. I'm starving, do you want something to eat." I try and change the conversation not wanting to remember the accident.  
  
"I don't know, has you're cooking improved since I left?" I put on a pretend hurt look, my cooking isn't that bad, yeah it's not great but it's edible.  
  
"Cheek! What's wrong with my cooking?"  
  
"Where do I start? No it's not that bad really but do you want to go out and get something so you don't have to cook?"  
  
"Sure why not, what do you have in mind?" What am I agreeing to, why am I going for a meal with Carter?  
  
"I know this place not that far from here, I'll give it a ring." He moves to the phone, while I start to get Leah ready to go out again which shouldn't take long seeing as Carter only brought her back half an hour ago.  
  
"Right, they're expecting us in twenty minutes."  
  
"It better not be a posh place."  
  
"It's not I promise!"  
  
"You posh and my posh are two different things."  
  
"It's not your posh, it's just a normal restaurant, nothing fancy. We better be off if you're ready."  
  
"Can I not change first?"  
  
"You've got two minutes and then I'm leaving with out you, I hadn't realised how hungry I was."  
  
"I'll be as quick as possible, entertain Leah for me will you?" I head off into my room, I still can't believe I agreed to this.

* * *

A/N sorry another fairly pointless chapter, I will make it interesting soon I promise! 


	22. Relax

Sorry for the delay again! I'm getting really bad at updating. Thank you for your lovely reviews they are very much appreciated and I'm sorry if I offended anyone reading my other story, I didn't mean to! More angst will be on its way soon.  
  
Chapter 22 - Relax  
  
We arrive at the restaurant about fifteen minutes later, he was right it isn't too posh for me. We are shown our table and sit down ordering drinks. I sort Leah out while Carter browses the menu. I turn to look at him and want to laugh. He looks up and sees the grin on my face, which I was too slow to hide. A smile spreads across his as he asks with a slight laugh in his voice  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing, it was just, never mind."  
  
"Come on Abby you have to tell me now."  
  
"It's just, do you remember the last time we went out for a meal together?"  
  
He starts to shake his head when it suddenly dawns on him  
  
"Oh when I bought out the entire place, was that the last time we ate out?"  
  
"Yeah, I was just thinking how much things have changed since then, with both of us."  
  
"I suppose they have, I bet to anyone else we look like a proper family."  
  
There's an awkward silence as we both contemplate what he just said. Luckily the waiter interrupts us by bringing over our drinks and taking our orders.  
  
"So are you looking forward to starting back?" I change the subject, which he seems relieved about.  
  
"I can't wait to get stuck back in, though I'm sure I'll change my mind about that when I get there. I just need something different to do, I'm actually looking forward to being pulled into traumas."  
  
"That'll definitely change as soon as you get stuck back in."  
  
"You don't realise how much you miss it until you leave."  
  
"I didn't miss it one bit when I was on maternity leave, perhaps it was because I knew I'd have to go back and couldn't just sit at home doing what I wanted forever."  
  
"You didn't miss it one bit?"  
  
"Nope, I had Leah to keep me occupied and Mike and Susan came round to keep me company, I didn't really think about County at all. Now I'm back I just want to get back to rotations but I need the money for Leah, so I'll start back in September."  
  
"If it's the money I can help you out more."  
  
"No I'm managing, I don't want you paying for everything."  
  
"I'm hardly paying for anything."  
  
"You give me enough for Leah, anyway you're paying for this."  
  
"Oh I am am I?"  
  
"Well you said you wanted to help out more!" I laugh at him.  
  
"So you're enjoying med. school?"  
  
"I was."  
  
"But you're still going back to it?"  
  
"Definitely, I wish I'd gone back sooner, I realised it was what I'd always wanted to do, even if it meant having to go talk to Richard." He looks confused.  
  
"I needed him to co-sign a loan application so I could pay the fees." I explain and he nods his head slowly,  
  
"Right, and he did?"  
  
"He wasn't too happy that I showed up but he signed, one thing I can be thankful for I suppose."  
  
"Have you decided what you're going into?"  
  
"I'm not sure it's between emergency medicine or psyche at the moment."  
  
"Not the NICU?"  
  
"Too many dying babies."  
  
"I thought you got a really good evaluation from there." I shake my head,  
  
"Yeah but I wouldn't be able to do it all the time it was too hard, those two weeks were bad enough. It also reminds me about how many things can go wrong."  
  
"It's rather frightening when you start to think about it isn't it? I'm sure whatever you choose you'll be good at it."  
  
"Thanks, at least I haven't killed anyone yet!"  
  
"Well you're not a good doctor until you have." He laughs.  
  
"I'd rather I be a bad doctor if I don't have to kill someone!" I laugh back and he smiles nodding his head.  
  
"I'm sure it won't happen."  
  
"I hope not. Our foods on its way." I nod my head towards the waiter that's heading towards us. We sit eating our food in silence; I hadn't realised quite how hungry I was. We're only half way through our meal when my pager goes off.  
  
"Damn, I thought I'd switched this thing off." I fumble around trying to switch it off.  
  
"You on call?"  
  
"Nope, sorry I'll have to ring and find out what they want." I pull what I hope is an apologetic face at him and get up heading to the payphone at the back of the restaurant.  
  
"Hi it's Abby, you paged me?" I'm met by a panicky voice, I try to listen to what the other person is saying whilst thinking about what to do.  
  
"Oh right, sure, I'll be over straight away. Calm down, it'll be all right." I put the phone down and hurry back to our table.  
  
"I'm really sorry, I'm going to have to go, it was Susan, she's started having contractions, Chuck's in the middle of a flight and can't get to her. She's panicking a bit, she's still got another month to go. I'm sorry Carter, would you be able to take Leah home when you're done?"  
  
"I'll drive you." He gets up pulling his coat on.  
  
"You don't have to."  
  
"How else are you going to get there? And you might need some help." I hadn't thought of that, he goes to pay the bill while I take Leah out of her seat and pack up her stuff. We are soon all in his car heading towards Susan's.  
  
"Do you have your cell?"  
  
"It's in my coat pocket." I pick up his jacket searching for it and finally fishing it out I dial Susan's number.  
  
"She isn't picking up Carter!"  
  
"She probably just moved away from the phone, she'll be fine. We're nearly there now anyway." I hang up the phone wondering why she isn't answering, Carter's probably right, but what if he isn't? 


	23. Taking Over Me

As you can probably tell I've totally lost it with this story, I know where I want it to go but can't get it there so please bear with me. It's also taking me longer to update because of exams but I'm trying my best. Thank you for your reviews, that's the reason I'm continuing with this.

* * *

Chap 23 - Taking Over Me  
  
"Susan?" I call as I enter her house with the key she gave me, no reply. I try a bit louder as I walk through the dark living room  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"Abby?" I hear her call.  
  
"Yeah, where are you?"  
  
"In my bedroom." I head towards that direction and enter the room to find her sitting up in her bed.  
  
"Hey, how are you doing, still having contractions?"  
  
"Uh huh, They started a few days ago I thought they were just Braxton Hicks but these feel stronger and I just panicked, sorry I shouldn't have called you, I was being stupid."  
  
"No you weren't, we should get them checked out, they might be proper contractions."  
  
"No, I'm fine, I'll just take it easy for a bit, there's nothing wrong."  
  
"Probably not, but we're taking you to the hospital, and I'm not taking no for an answer."  
  
"Abby come on, I knew I shouldn't have called you, I'm not going."  
  
"You are, you didn't pull me out of a nice meal so you can refuse to do what I say, it could be serious."  
  
"It won't be, anyway who was this meal with, Mike?" I shake my head not wanting to go further because I know what she'll start thinking.  
  
"Come on Abby, if you tell I'll come with you."  
  
"Yeah right!" I laugh.  
  
"Promise." She pulls an innocent looking face, which doesn't make me believe her anymore than before, but I tell her anyway.  
  
"With Carter."  
  
"Carter?" I nod as a huge grin spreads over her face.  
  
"Nothings going on, we'd been talking about Leah and then we realised we were hungry, and Carter suggested it." She's still grinning, I shake my head at her to stop it.  
  
"Did I hear my name?" Carter asks as he steps into the room carrying a sleeping Leah.  
  
"Hey Carter, I didn't realise Abby brought you along as well, perhaps you can tell her I don't need to go to the hospital."  
  
"I can do no such thing, Abby's right you need to get checked out, just in case something's wrong." At least someone agrees with me. She sighs throwing back the covers.  
  
"Fine, but I bet it's nothing serious, and you'll have just separated me from my lovely warm bed for no reason."  
  
"It'll still be here when you get back, now lets get you up. Did you reach Chuck?" I ask as I move round to help her out of the bed.  
  
"No, I left a message on his phone, which I should probably changed or else he'll panic." She starts walking to the phone but I intercept her, she's only delaying leaving.  
  
"Let him panic, we are taking you to the hospital now!" She sees that I mean it and follows Carter out of her house towards his jeep as I leave a note for Chuck before following them locking up as I go.

* * *

"I can't believe I have to stay in bed for five weeks!" Susan groans.  
  
"Well you were complaining about leaving it earlier, now you get to spend lots of time in it!" I try to make it slightly more appealing for her, I don't think I'd be that thrilled at the thought of not being able to do anything for five weeks either.  
  
"This is so annoying."  
  
"Well you can get Chuck to wait on you hand and foot, you don't have to work, it doesn't sound that bad to me."  
  
"I'll make you pay for this Abigail Lockhart."  
  
"For what? Making you get checked out so you can find out they're real contractions. Do you want to have a premature baby?"  
  
"No, but I'm sure nothing would have happened."  
  
"You don't know that, it's better to be safe than sorry. Chuck will be here soon to take you home to your nice warm bed!" I laugh at her.  
  
"What I can't even have one last hour of freedom?"  
  
"Nope, he called when he got your message, I told him what was happening and he's coming to pick you up now."  
  
"I guess I probably freaked him out a bit!" She smiles.  
  
"Just a little, it was really sweet though, he was really worried."  
  
"And now he isn't going to stop worrying, great!" She throws her head back in despair.  
  
"Better make the most of it, as soon as the baby gets here, he's going to be worrying about him all the time instead."  
  
"Is that what Carter's like?" she asks me.  
  
"We don't really spend much time together with Leah, but from when we have all been together he does seem very protective over her, I think I'd be a bit worried if he wasn't."  
  
"How are things between you two at the moment?" How come she always does this.  
  
"How do you always manage to turn this round to me?"  
  
"So?" I can tell she's not going to let it go.  
  
"Things aren't too bad, we can have a normal conversation, I think we're slowly getting our friendship back, I should probably make more of an effort though, I tend to just avoid spending time alone with him, well up until tonight anyway. But it's weird, I had a really good time tonight, it kind of felt how it used to you know, when we used to go for coffee and pie together, it felt comfortable." The smile on Susan's face has grown. I give her a questioning look, wondering what she finds funny.  
  
"I knew you'd start to work things out eventually." That threw me slightly how could she know that?  
  
"What? How did you know?"  
  
"It's you Abby, you know you still love him, you told me a million times how much you hated him, but you always finished by saying you wished he'd come back. You know how upset you were when he left."  
  
"Yeah, that's because I thought I meant more to him than that."  
  
"But you do. Who was the first person he went to see when he came back? The only person he's told about what happened with Kem."  
  
"That doesn't mean that I meant something to him, it just means that I was the first person he thought of when he came back."  
  
"Because you mean something to him."  
  
"No, oh I don't know, why do things have to be so complicated?"  
  
"Cos that's life, you have to figure out the complicated things and then you'll realise what you really want."  
  
"That's a lot of help." I laugh,  
  
"I try my best!" she laughs with me before our attention is lost as Chuck bursts through the door. He rushes over to Susan's bed giving her a hug before standing back, leaving one hand on her bump.  
  
"Baby, I was so worried, is everything all right?"  
  
"Chuck everything's fine, it was just Abby freaking out." She flashes me a smile.  
  
"That is so not true Susan, you were the one freaking out first. Anyway I better leave you two to it, and remember you're on bed rest, so no moving about." I smile back turning towards the door.  
  
"Thanks Abs, you better come visit me, I'm going to be so board."  
  
"I'll be there, see you later. Take care of her Chuck."  
  
"Don't worry, she's not going to be doing anything for the next five weeks." I leave them in peace and go to find Carter who should be around here with Leah somewhere.

* * *

I manage to make it through the ER without getting pulled into help with a patient which is a miracle and get to the lounge. Carter and Leah are both in there, fast asleep. They look so adorable lying there, Carter's arm protectively encircling our daughter. I head back out to admit to leave a note with Randy for Carter.   
  
I put my coat on and step back into the lounge careful not to wake either of them, I prise Leah out of his grip. He mumbles something in his sleep but remains out of it, I wrap my daughter up, still admiring her perfect sleeping form. I still can't get over how perfect she is, it doesn't seem real, I have a daughter. I wonder when I'll get used to that, it's been over seven months and I still can't believe it. I hold her tight as I step out into the night and catch a cab home so I can finally join her in the land of sleep. 


	24. Maybe Today

Finally I got round to posting a new chapter, sorry about the wait, I didn't mean to leave it so long. Just a short one for now, I hope people are still interested. I'll try to get the next chapter up a bit quicker. A big thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far.

Chapter 24 - Maybe Today

"Only two weeks to go now then?" I put down two cups of tea on the coffee table and fall back on to Susan's couch.

"Yep and then I can finally leave this stupid house. I've never been so bored in all my life. Do you know what it's like to be put on house arrest by your boyfriend?"

"I seem to remember you telling me last time I came to see you and you know it's for the best any way."

"It's the worst thing ever, you never realise what you're actually missing until you can't go out."

I switch off from the conversation and drift into my own thoughts. Susan's actually coped better than I think I would. I could cope with the not working thing, that would be great but I'd miss just being able to go out for a walk by myself or go to the store, but then at least I'd be able to spend time with Leah if I was stuck in the house. That would be great, I feel like I'm missing out on half her life but I have to work, nothing else is going to pay the bills.

"Earth to Abby." I look at Susan to find her staring at me.

"Sorry Susan, what were you saying?" She shakes her head and laughs.

"Away with the fairies were you? I want juicy gossip details." This time I laugh at her.

"Some things never change do they? Let's see, I had something to tell you, oh that's it, Pratt and Chen got back together." Her shocked expression tells me she hadn't expected to hear that.

"Really, I never thought that'd happen, when was this?"

"Last week, you know after the crash and him helping her with her father I think they kind of realised they still had feelings for one another."

"How are have they been since the crash?"

"Chen's fine she's been back at work for two weeks now, and Pratt should be coming back sometime next month."

"You're going to have to keep me updated now you know."

"Don't I keep you updated on most things anyway?"

"Yep you're a good friend for gossip I'll give you that."

"Cheers, that's what I always wanted to be, a good gossip."

"There are worst things to be." That's true I suppose. We carry on talking for ages about work, well I tell her as much gossip as I can remember anyway, before I head home.

I walk through the door of my apartment carrying Leah to be met by the quiet beep of the answering machine. I press the play button and start taking off my coat,

"Hi Abby it's Carter, Weaver's making me work a double which means I won't be able to pick Leah up in the morning, before you leave for work. I'll pick her up from day-care when I'm finished. See you tomorrow." Typical Weaver, he's only just started back and she's already making him work doubles. The answering machine continues to play, I seem to be popular tonight what with a whole two messages and all.

"Abby, are you there Abby?" I groan, I really don't need this now. "Abby, when you get this ring me it's about Eric, please ring me, I love you, ring me, bye."

What's gone wrong with my crazy family now? Well whatever it is it can wait until we've had something to eat and I've given Leah her bath and put her to bed.

Two hours later when Leah is finally asleep I head unwillingly towards the phone, picking it up and dialling Maggie's number.


	25. Here We Go

Thank you to everyone that reviewed, I totally forgot about this again. I'm thinking about not carrying it on as I'm off to uni soon and don't really have time to write at the moment but I'll carry on for now. Here's the next chapter.

Chapter 25 – Here We Go 

I rush into the chaos that is the ER, Leah held securely in my arms, and immediately look around for Carter but there are far too many people in here like usual. I make my way to the desk

"Jerry where's Carter?"

"Trauma Two." Great, why whenever you need someone are they stuck in traumas? I push my way through the people waiting in the hallway towards the trauma room and stand outside and watch through the window. It looks pretty bad, a family member is stood at the other door looking teary eyed. I try to get Carter's attention but it doesn't seem to be working, I start pacing backwards and forwards across the corridor. Please Carter, I need to speak to you now, being here really isn't helping. I wait a few more minutes, trying to keep calm, it's no good. I push open the door and step inside.

"Carter." He looks up, surprised to see me here, before carrying on with his work on the patient.

"Abby, what are you doing here?"

"I need to speak to you."

"I'm in a trauma Abby."

"I know but I needed to tell you I'm going to Minnesota tonight so Leah's not going to be in day-care tomorrow."

"What, why?" His attention is still focused on saving the person lying in front of him.

"It's Eric, I talked to Weaver, I have to go Carter my flight leaves in an hour." He looks at me; perhaps he sees the panic in my eyes because he tells me to wait and for one of the nurses to go find Chen or Luka. I move and stand back outside giving them the space to work. He carries on until Chen comes in when he gives her all the information she needs, it feels like they're taking forever but I know it can't really be that long. He eventually follows me out of the trauma room and we head to the lounge.

"Why do you have to go to Minnesota?"

"It's Eric, Maggie's panicking, I don't know what she's going to do, I need to go and be with her, I'm sorry Carter but I have to go tonight." All this came out at top speed, while I'm pacing frantically back and forth in the lounge. Leah's now crying in my arms not at all happy about being so roughly woken up. I need to get going, I don't want to miss the flight.

"Abby slow down, what's the matter with Eric?"

"He was in a car accident, it doesn't look good, she said he hadn't woken up yet, I need to get there."

"Do you want me to look after Leah while you go, it might make things easier for you." She's settled down a bit but the crying continues, I need to calm down so that I can look after her properly but I need to get out of here first.

"No, we'll be fine, I've got all of her things. I want her with me, sorry, I'll make it up to you." This really isn't fair on him I know he loves spending time with his daughter. He brushes it off.

"It's fine, do you want me to take you to the airport."

"I've a cab waiting outside, I just needed to tell you before I went."

"Are you sure you'll be all right, I could talk to Weaver and come with you."

"No, there's nothing you can do I just need to be there for him and for Maggie, but thank you." He gives Leah a light kiss on the head and I move towards the door.

"Call me when you know anything, if you need anything."

"I will, bye Carter." I rush of leaving him standing there watching us disappear.

The cab ride to the airport seems to take forever, I'm panicking, I have to get this flight. 'Calm down Abby.' I tell myself but the sixth glance at my watch in less than five minutes doesn't help. At least I managed to get Leah settled down again, I don't think she really knew what was going on, suddenly being bundled up and rushed out of the apartment and then the hospital. The cab ride seems to have made her drift off again which I'm thankful for.

Finally we reach the airport and I hand the driver the money. This time I'm more careful as I lift Leah out of the car and pick up our bags, I don't think she'd be too impressed if I woke her up again. I walk through the doors and breathe a sigh of relief; at least we got here in time. Soon we're on the plane and flying towards Minneapolis.


End file.
